no regrets.

LiveJournal: Thursday, December 8th, 2005 8:11p Protected

the stillness of a corpse.. the stillness of a corpse.. this stillness of a corpse is unnerving

stillframes hurt me.

He always said

"all i am is right here
and all i have is right now
without memories,
my life is nothing."

HIS WORDS INSPIRED ME TO BELIEVE THAT ALL I AM IS RIGHT HERE, AND ALL I HAVE IS BROKEN DREAMS AND FADED MEMORIES. BECAUSE OF THIS, MY LIFE IS NOTHING.

he always seemed to rise up. something about him was always better then everything else. no one has ever intrigued me like this, no one has ever hurt me like this. he was an artist, poet, intellect, but at the same time an abrasive, reckless survivor. the fact that he survived inspired me.

I have never been inspired before

i say "these screams still echo, and scars remain, but the thought of you hasn't seemed to elapse yet, and it wish it would."

to me, he said "this black heart once fed the smile of a girl with no name, to take comfort in yesterdays scars"

he told me so much, and when he realized he was my pain.. well..
that night he told me he'd rather break me than bleed me to death.
it was the night i fucking died.
and now all i am is the ghost that haunts myself.

i used to love the ocean, now it brings tears to my eyes. the happy lapping that once was the waves has become a mournful wail of wasted memories.

hallucinations were real. for a split second i didn't know who i was, or who he was. all i knew is that we were something so small as a part of something so huge, and i felt like inside me, the love was bigger than the incomprehensable universe.

love was real.

i hated her. i learned to kill my jealousy, cause i knew i'd lose you if i didn't. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. i kept my friends close, but my enemy right by my side. so much so she was the best friend i ever wanted to murder.

i fucking died, ironically enough. she'll never know, i think this would kill her more than what she killed that was theirs. for some reason, i just cannot let go.

BETTER, STILL.
the music swims back to my drowning ears.
BUT I AM BETTER NOW
you'll never read this, and it's ok. i think i'm crazy anyway (but does someone who's really crazy ever wonder that?).
anyone would let go. anyone would move on. i've tried letting go, and i'm trying to move on, but every day of my life i'm alone with my thoughts, and all i think of is you.

and yes i still wish i could have what she has. 2 and some odd years with you. happiness. being with the most amazing person. she knows what she has and she loves you.. and somehow you could never love me. you're everything to me.

meh.