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  • facts.

    11. Jul. 2014, 3:43

    i don't want you, i'm way past that...it's jus the fact that i wanted you so badly and couldn't have you, yet you will let anyone else in. i tried so hard for you, stood up to people for you, broke hearts trying to win yours, fought battles you had no idea about simply for you; once upon a time i did everything for you. what did you do? you walked away. you came back, and left again, and again and again. we played cat and mouse for years. you were a tease, a tear in my eye, the break in my heart, the reason why i couldn't love, the reason why my heart was stolen; no one could take it from you, but you didn't even care that it was in your possession. you are the coldest person i have ever known, but you used to make me feel so alive. i can't hate you, because you helped me while hurting me all at once. for years i tried my best to make something of myself, make my hair the prettiest, put on my make up perfectly, dress well, be everything that would be appealing in your eyes; i always and only wanted your approval-that was all that mattered. all of those guys promised me things, bought me rings, begged me to love them, loved me unconditionally while you "loved" me under conditions. all i wanted was to be beautiful in your eyes; i was a flaw, a speck you were trying to wash away. well now i'm away, the farthest away i've been from you since we met years ago. girl after girl, i hope that you're happy and i'm sorry for being a burden. i wanted you every second of everyday, all of those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years were wasted on loving someone who i could never obtain. i hope those pretty faces satisfy your restless mind, i will keep my distance; you will never have to see mine.
  • the unsaid.

    17. Jun. 2014, 22:29

    it's so irritating holding so much in, holding so much back. i feel so trapped and controlled. i am a puppet controlled by my puppeteer. there is so much i want to know, so much i want to say, so much that bothers me everyday, but i'm caged here, i'm chained here like an abandoned dog- barking till my lungs give way i'm just laying in fetal position letting my thoughts consume me, like maggots to rotting flesh; i am rotting away willingly, or am i. what are the choices that i have? i am limited to suffer either way. my life has always been a cold place to live, my heart always has frostbite around the edges. i go crazy when i stay in one place, but is going to the opposite side of the world the answer? running away has never done much for me. i think it's right, then i'm stuck with everything i tried to run from screaming in my ears. i live a life that i'm ashamed of and i don't know who i am anymore. i lie to myself, hoping that those lies become truths, but then i just end up with more of a headache than i already have. coping with this is impossible, i can't abandon what i've tried so hard to obtain. i've always wanted love, i've always wanted a future, why am i so hard to satisfy? i'm as restless as ever, i run laps in my head and that's why i'm always so exhausted it's draining being forced to hold back what you've held in for 4 years. 4 years ago i feel like i had more figured out than i do know, at least then i knew what i wanted- i knew who i wanted to be. i sketch images in my head of who i want to be, who i want to be with, the life i want to live- but it's always a blur, how can i go by that?! i'm entering a future with blurry eyes i'm destined to stumble along the way. stumble around like a drunkard, looking for it's addiction it can never depart with. i thought i changed this, i thought i repaired this impaired condition i've been suffering since i first met you. i thought that all of this can be overpowered, i thought it was, why do i have doubts? am i so brainwashed by you that i can never put a foot forward in the right direction, or is the reason i feel this way because every foot i take away from you is the wrong direction? i tried so hard for years to get you to see how badly i bleed for you, how badly i needed you, but you turned away like you looked straight into the sun, like loving me is a danger that you would never risk. am i that terrifying, or is it the thought of every loving someone what makes you always run away. you've never seen any of my tears through all of these years, i'm not sure you've ever really even seen how much that i've struggled for you. i've been at people's throats just defending you, i've gotten myself in the doghouse taking your side. i defend you like you're still a part of me, like you're still in my life no matter how long it's been since we last talked. i don't understand why i do all of this, especially if you don't even care, but then again that's one thing i will never know. i've tried for four years just to try and figure you out, but i always draw a blank i always find myself in circles; half of me is determined you felt the same exact way and the other half thinks you're a cruel wolf that wants to consume me for personal gain, just because you know you can. i can never hate you no matter how hard i try, or how many negative things i have against you- they always seem to cancel out no matter how bad of a person i try to tell myself that you are; i always see good in you. i always see something in you that i can never comprehend. there's always this light behind your eyes glowing right back at mine. i never talked to you out of fear that i would come across as some delusional, obsessive ex, and that was something i never wanted to be. i know how it feels to have someone completely crazy chasing you down and insisting that you are "the one," it's pretty sickening lol and i never wanted to sicken you. i've always wanted my presence to be a good thing. i never wanted to push you away, or turn you against me so i never tried to make you feel the way that i did. i never wanted you to force feelings you didn't feel because that's not what love is about; love isn't a selfish thing. love can be the most selfless thing; letting you of what you love knowing it'll be happier without you, and i thought that you would be. you put up small fights and clues that showed that you cared for me, but i'm blind and i've always been when it's come to love. i have to have things thrown in my face to truly understand, but that's not who you are; we are one in the same-we run from our feelings because in the past they are something to fear. most feelings cause too much pain, so it's best to ignore them until maybe, just maybe they go away. i don't like to feel vulnerable, because i'm to aware of what being used feels like..i'd rather be the tough cookie, than the cookie crumbles. i've never wanted to be pathetic, or to seem pathetic so i do everything i can to avoid that route. i ran away from you 4 years ago, and i've been running ever since; if i stop to catch some air you might just catch me, so i have to constantly keep running hoping that if i run far enough away you'll never find me and those feelings will vanish as if they never existed. i always told myself that i would be better off without you...
  • down coming.

    30. Mai. 2014, 2:35

    i feel responsible for the person that you've become. i tried to despise you, but i've never been able to. you were innocence and sincerity now your cold and repetitious like a robot. you heart has turned cold. i'm so sorry for everything that i put you through, i've never been perfect and i've every flaw that i have has been shown through you. i bleed my raw scars all over you, you never deserved that down pour. i was so hurt and you were so perfect for me, perfect to me. all of this was too good to be true, i became fearful of what i thought was inevitable. my fears were liars, they made me push you away. i always wanted you, i always needed you, i always ached for you like my heart never knew anything else; you were it's deepest feeling you hit me to the core. simply your presence had me wanting more. i craved you like a bad junkie. i've never felt so vulnerable, so i did what i thought was best- runaway. i can never forget how you made me feel; you created a whole new world for you and i. i am forever grateful for everything that you've ever done for me, the list is endless and i suppose that's why i can never hate or even dislike you. i'm sorry that i abandoned you on false pretenses, i'm sorry that i put you through so much off and on such i always wanted you, but fear always reminded me that loosing you was a possibility so i kept you at a safe distance- i kept you in my mind, and close enough to hold on occasion that way i knew my dream lived on and that i could keep stringing it like a kite. letting you fly made me feel alive because that way i could never loose you. you could always think of the what if's and every now and then those what if's could bring us closer together. i never wanted that fire to die, i wanted it to burn till it ignited. he was just a way to try to get over you, it never worked. i tried to stay close to you in little ways, while you were always entirely in my heart. i always make you out to be some devious whore, when in actuality it was just you giving up. you never hurt me, i hurt myself by hurting you; i killed you accidentally. i never thought someone would care so much, i thought it was all a game to you- so i played the field so it couldn't play me. of all the times that i've hurt you, cussed you, went off on you, attempted to make you jealous, told you how horrible you were...you still stuck around...but why? why would anyone in their right mind do that?! you had girls banging at your door, blowing up your phone and facebook, but yet you ignored them..you chose me. chose me although i had nothing to offer you but heartbreak, you still had some sort of faith in me that i'll never understand, i'll never comprehend. you may think i'm some terrible creature for everything that i've done. i thought you were so bad for not taking me back, but who would? it'd be terrifying to be with someone who put you through so much, you can't simply rush into that, it's brave enough to even mess with. i'm sorry and i will always be and it's unfortunate that my apology is on some social/music site that you're not apart of and you will never see this...but at least i got a portion of what's been eating at me for 3 years out. once more, i'm sorry i hope you find someone who treats you well.
  • love.

    21. Apr. 2014, 23:29

    love is a bitter pill we have to swallow. we never choose who we love, love chooses us. and although the pill has been swallowed, those bitter remains linger in your throat choking you at your words. stuttering over an idea that you were once lost in. you discover a whole new world when you're in love. you see them in everything. everything beautiful. things illuminate in a way you never knew they could; everything becomes magical. even with pain, it's the worst yet most comforting pain; the heart's sincerest emotion what it's made for, what it always yearns for. looking in their eyes you see the world, the only one you want to know. you find comfort knowing, if the whole world fell to pieces and they were by your side, you would always have yours. they're the lighthouse giving light to your stormy seas, calming you in ways you never knew possible.
  • the.wondering.wanderer.

    16. Apr. 2014, 0:10

    all i want to do is live and be free, all i want is to be me. the sun is always set, my promises are always kept. dealing with this restless mind is chasing away my time. i run laps in my head past words i should have said, so many unspoken conversations wrapped around my innovations. my words have a tight grip around my throat from building up behind my tongue. i could talk for days with all of the things i always wanted to say. i levitate through my life, simply passing you by. i'm a runner and a wanderer, that's what i've always been. i have stories to tell, and dreams to chase it's hard to stay in one place. it's all a bitter pill to swallow all the people i never followed. letting go is hard, but being confined is unbearable. there is more to me than what you can see, there is much more of me still to be. my heart and feet coincide; i am the ever moving tide. i think i think too much, i think i love too much; but all of this makes me live life more than enough. you can't know happiness without feeling an ounce of pain, there is no growth without the rain.
  • ranting.

    4. Apr. 2013, 4:22

    it shouldn't be, but it seems like love is always a drag~for me at least. i've spent the past few years completely broken down. as i've said in my previous journal entry, i've loved three times and although that may seem like a large amount, i know it to be true. i've always searched for love, always wanted love and that somehow has always made my life a mess. i never cry really, unless it's love related and although that's pathetic, it's true. i just don't understand why this pain never ceases to find me. it searches me out. my relationships start off amazing and the people i'm with always care a lot for me, and want to marry me-then everything turns to shit. i soon become their rag doll, their possession, their obsession. that might seem flattering for someone to "care so much," but it breaks all hell loose. soon everything i do becomes noticed, everything but my pain and my tears. if i miss a text, if i'm with my friends on that rare occasion that i'm not smothered in their arms, if i'm working on artwork (artist for life <3) all hell breaks loose when not every second of my time is not invested in them. they assume i'm cheating, they assume i don't care, they assume i'm the worst gf ever and i'm just going to fuck them over. they get jealous over every human being with a dick that talks to me, calls everyone ugly and not as "good as them" although i never said or suggested that that were even necessary to bring up. just because someone is a guy and not you talking to me doesn't mean they are a terrible human being, doesn't mean they are ugly as you say. i'm with you aren't i? are you really so insecure and un-trusting to constantly lash out on me like i've done something wrong, when i know i've done nothing wrong? after all i chose YOU right? even with all the bullshit i have to put up with, i chose YOU. i've lost friends, opportunities, and happiness all for their sake and it's still not enough. it NEVER is. i'm constantly crucified with every imperfection i have, every flaw, every time i've "messed up" by not pouring my every second into their demanding selves. i can't see how something so simple can go so terribly wrong. love is supposed to bring out the best in you, and yes i've seen it do that before, but it seems most of the time it makes me hate my life. it makes me hate the fact that i'm so weak to let someone walk all over me the way they do, manipulate my head, make me into and out to be someone that i'm not. my "lovers" have been wolves in disguise a "gentleman" in a suit in tie; the ones that have left me to die, left me to question if this thing called love even exists. so, if anyone actually read this- please tell me what is love? because i am on fact clueless as to what it should be.
  • cat and mouse.

    12. Jan. 2012, 1:00

    it is so frusterating to know that the boy i love is so close yet so far from me. we used to talk for hours, spend everyday together chasing are dreams of a dimond ring..we were going to be, supposed to be..meant to be..but now we are nothing...all the time that's gone by of wanted chances and possibilities we've let slide by have effected how i feel almost everyday i will always love this boy, at least a part of me will. i will only be so young for so long and once the time goes by i can't get it back..i miss him more than ever and sometimes i sit and think if he sits and thinks the same of me. he was everything i ever wanted and more but those words have come short of reaching him. if only he knew wut he meant tew me, wut he means tew me. i'm sick of reliving the past i wana make new memories with him in my days everyday without him feels like deja vu..same shit no exitement i wish i hope one day some day he'll at least know how i feel i wish i could reach him through the walls we built from each other.
  • love is...what exactly?

    29. Dez. 2011, 23:42

    hello whoever has come across this..i have the tendency to write depressing love shit on here when it seems like i have no one to talk to about it..so this is pretty much my "journal." it's amazing how much love traps you, how much it can really take everything from you. for a girl my age i can honestly say i've been in love 3 times. some may say "you're too young" but i can honestly say age isn't the issue; you fall in love, not jus claim you're in it. i wish to end up with one of the three in the end because it seems like no matter how far i run away they run back to me. love is unpredictable, and because of that i'm not quite sure of anything. when "it's over" it never fully is..where do you draw the lines when the lines are in the shape of circles and you keep ending up where you started. it never ends. some things never die because they aren't supposed to. the magic lingers on and the mystery may turn your head to static but one day the static mess will turn into something beautiful, something called love. maybe the beautiful pieces of the puzzle you thought wuz the one wuz never really the picture you were meant to see, because really there is only one person we're meant to be with.