Dienstag, 17. Jun 2014, 18:29

it's so irritating holding so much in, holding so much back. i feel so trapped and controlled. i am a puppet controlled by my puppeteer. there is so much i want to know, so much i want to say, so much that bothers me everyday, but i'm caged here, i'm chained here like an abandoned dog- barking till my lungs give way i'm just laying in fetal position letting my thoughts consume me, like maggots to rotting flesh; i am rotting away willingly, or am i. what are the choices that i have? i am limited to suffer either way. my life has always been a cold place to live, my heart always has frostbite around the edges. i go crazy when i stay in one place, but is going to the opposite side of the world the answer? running away has never done much for me. i think it's right, then i'm stuck with everything i tried to run from screaming in my ears. i live a life that i'm ashamed of and i don't know who i am anymore. i lie to myself, hoping that those lies become truths, but then i just end up with more of a headache than i already have. coping with this is impossible, i can't abandon what i've tried so hard to obtain. i've always wanted love, i've always wanted a future, why am i so hard to satisfy? i'm as restless as ever, i run laps in my head and that's why i'm always so exhausted it's draining being forced to hold back what you've held in for 4 years. 4 years ago i feel like i had more figured out than i do know, at least then i knew what i wanted- i knew who i wanted to be. i sketch images in my head of who i want to be, who i want to be with, the life i want to live- but it's always a blur, how can i go by that?! i'm entering a future with blurry eyes i'm destined to stumble along the way. stumble around like a drunkard, looking for it's addiction it can never depart with. i thought i changed this, i thought i repaired this impaired condition i've been suffering since i first met you. i thought that all of this can be overpowered, i thought it was, why do i have doubts? am i so brainwashed by you that i can never put a foot forward in the right direction, or is the reason i feel this way because every foot i take away from you is the wrong direction? i tried so hard for years to get you to see how badly i bleed for you, how badly i needed you, but you turned away like you looked straight into the sun, like loving me is a danger that you would never risk. am i that terrifying, or is it the thought of every loving someone what makes you always run away. you've never seen any of my tears through all of these years, i'm not sure you've ever really even seen how much that i've struggled for you. i've been at people's throats just defending you, i've gotten myself in the doghouse taking your side. i defend you like you're still a part of me, like you're still in my life no matter how long it's been since we last talked. i don't understand why i do all of this, especially if you don't even care, but then again that's one thing i will never know. i've tried for four years just to try and figure you out, but i always draw a blank i always find myself in circles; half of me is determined you felt the same exact way and the other half thinks you're a cruel wolf that wants to consume me for personal gain, just because you know you can. i can never hate you no matter how hard i try, or how many negative things i have against you- they always seem to cancel out no matter how bad of a person i try to tell myself that you are; i always see good in you. i always see something in you that i can never comprehend. there's always this light behind your eyes glowing right back at mine. i never talked to you out of fear that i would come across as some delusional, obsessive ex, and that was something i never wanted to be. i know how it feels to have someone completely crazy chasing you down and insisting that you are "the one," it's pretty sickening lol and i never wanted to sicken you. i've always wanted my presence to be a good thing. i never wanted to push you away, or turn you against me so i never tried to make you feel the way that i did. i never wanted you to force feelings you didn't feel because that's not what love is about; love isn't a selfish thing. love can be the most selfless thing; letting you of what you love knowing it'll be happier without you, and i thought that you would be. you put up small fights and clues that showed that you cared for me, but i'm blind and i've always been when it's come to love. i have to have things thrown in my face to truly understand, but that's not who you are; we are one in the same-we run from our feelings because in the past they are something to fear. most feelings cause too much pain, so it's best to ignore them until maybe, just maybe they go away. i don't like to feel vulnerable, because i'm to aware of what being used feels like..i'd rather be the tough cookie, than the cookie crumbles. i've never wanted to be pathetic, or to seem pathetic so i do everything i can to avoid that route. i ran away from you 4 years ago, and i've been running ever since; if i stop to catch some air you might just catch me, so i have to constantly keep running hoping that if i run far enough away you'll never find me and those feelings will vanish as if they never existed. i always told myself that i would be better off without you…