Sean , 31, Männlich, Vereinigte Staaten
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A Break Up Letter to the World
You know...I told myself I wasn't going to call you unless I had planned all that I meant to say. I told myself that I was tired of losing sleep over all of those small yet significant things I always seem to leave unsaid. Now I can't help but find how tragically laughable it is that my failures in this matter are still so consistent. You see, I can't help but believe that there is something inherently wrong with me. And now I can only hope and pray that I can someday figure out what that "something" is. After all we've been through together...but when?....I will most certainly not be holding my breath 'til that happens. I wouldn't live to see the end of the night. Maybe this really is entirely my fault. Maybe it's your fault. Maybe it’s because you're so inconsistent, maybe the distance does delay emotions. Maybe it was just an unbalanced combination of all those little inherent flaws that make us human. Regardless of what it was that brought us here to the place where people have been hurt, those emotions controlled our actions. Was that really us? Those very same emotions that I now view as being more of a hindrance than a blessing have forced me into a frighteningly regressive behavioral pattern. In that they have caused me to have a strong desire to not have to feel at all, for anything or anyone. As well as, made me a very jaded and cynical human being. For better or for worse, the answer is unclear to me. It's not that I've stopped caring for the things I've always cared for, I just need to take a break from caring for a while, so that I can rediscover who it is that I am. By that, I mean the person who lies somewhere between that ridiculously ignorant child I once was, guiltlessly stepping on the heads of baby robins; and who I should be, gathering all I've learned from the up and downs of my life so far. I've gone through a lot of changes as of late, that can be viewed in a number of ways depending on where you're standing as the sun is going down. So many things happening, so many opportunities waiting patiently to be taken. So many different feelings each day that I just don't know which of those feelings I should believe in anymore. That is the only defense I have as to my inconsistent behavior. I like to think that I've always been that consistent strong and hardened individual who has been through just about everything and learned something from it all. But, unfortunately I just haven't gotten to that point with this yet. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to have learned, which right now doesn't seem to be very clear. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't embarrassed to have to show such vulnerability here, but right now I don't feel like expending the energy trying to make up for my shortcomings. I'd much rather save it for myself this time. Please don't mistake these feelings I am having for apathy. This is just my simple defense mechanism I use to protect myself from having that part of me that "loves", that feels "inspiration" destroyed forever. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I just can't do it. Please understand that this is who I am for now. This is the way I have to be for now, to keep moving forward with my life and pushing myself past all the contradictory emotions in hopes that someday I can say that I made a very conscious decision, and it actually helped me to get through another very difficult transitional period of my life. Until then, accept this apology for my words...my actions...past, present and future. As well as, for the fact that I will have to continue to force the losses of some of my closest friends and lovers to do so. I've created this distance intentionally, in hopes that I will be able to appreciate that which I once had in my life more for what it was or is. I hope that you can understand me when I say that moving on is never easy. So I will only ask of you one thing...Don't ever forget that even after all of this is over, I will still love you. I will still be that stark individual sitting in the corners of those dark/colorful rooms of the world. Over analyzing far too much, fearing that someday it will get the best of me, seemingly in control. And I will always be there for you.

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