Montag, 21. Jan 2008, 14:59
A month ago, someone hacked my account and created mayhem for a couple of days. He sent friend requests to around 100 people, sent obscene messages to other users, became best buddies with a German neo-nazi and earned a formal warning from last.fm staff for his comments in the G-A-Y group.
Although I am tempted to give him a thorough pacifist imaginary beating, I've confined myself to putting him through what I consider to be the seven trials of music - a playlist composed by the most painful music around. If I ever get hold of the intruder, this is what he will have to endure:
1. Overrated noise that is supposed to be Great Art and consequently makes you feel like an idiot
Liars - Leather Prowler: 4:28 minutes of someone strumming a balalaika out of tune in a phonebooth while someone is banging on the door with a half broken transistor radio while imitating the ghost from a Stephen King movie.
Thurston Moore - Free noise among friends: Someone tries to start a chainsaw. After 36 seconds, he seems to succeed.
The Fiery Furnaces -Leaky Tunnel: Listening to more than ten seconds of the synth riff of this song will drive you insane. Unfortunately, it goes on for about two miserable minutes before a drummer with no sense of rhythm and a guitarist with the improvisation skills of a sixth grader takes over. A song with all the artistic merit of - a leaky tunnel.
The Go! Team - Air raid GTR: The title of the song says it all. It does indeed seem to be a recording of an air raid alarm.
2. Rap music
I hate rap music. Correction, I DESPISE and LOATHE rap music and the sexist, violent values it promotes. I cannot understand why anyone would use their limited time on Earth to listen to this load of dung, or why anyone should care about their childish squabbles and "disses". Nothing but incessant whining about drugs and whores and imaginary suffering in the ghetto. An hour of rap music (more than that would be in violation of the Geneva convention) is the perfect trial number two for my intruder.
The latest proof of intelligent life on planet rap came from an "artist" calling himself "the Game", who apparently said this in an MTV interview:
"Being on the bus is like being in a prison on wheels, man."It's nothing like being at home. You could be on here for 24 hours, confined in this little space and you start getting claustrophobic and when I start getting mad I just start pulling people out of their bunk and kicking them in the face and s**t."
This guy spent 3 days in a coma in 2001, according to his bio. Few people make it out of such a state without a brain damage, but then you will always have rap music as a career option.
3. Rnb music
Rnb used to mean "rhythm and blues", now it is the strangely inaccurate term used to describe the ugly twin sister of rap music. With few exceptions performed by young girls with little creative merit and even less clothing, supported by male "rap artist" talking in surly voice between choruses. Some of the specimens of this genre have been used as torture instruments at Guantanamo bay. For example, one former al-Qaida member registered as Republican voter, converted to Judaism and divorced six of his eight wives after being forced to listen to Rihanna's Umbrella ten consecutive times.
But that's just cruel. I'll settle for five rounds of anything with that guy who sounds like he's swallowed his socks (Timbaland) featuring (or "feat." as rnb-artists would express it) any of his current babes.
4. Songs about diseases
I'm far too humane to wish for my intruder to contract a real disease (although I wouldn't entirely rule out that I may manipulate a voodoo doll to let him contract a harmless, yet slightly painful venereal disorder involving oozing, smelly puss). For a hypochondriac such as me, listening to songs about diseases would be punishment enough. I would start off with Cancer by boyband my chemical romance. This melodramatic piece of musical turd features the unforgettable turn of phrase "baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo".
Far more painful is Sufjan Stevens' Casimir Pulaski Day (about a girl dying from bone cancer). It is (in contrast to the laughable "Cancer") an extremely sad and beautiful song which makes you feel like you've been watching Autumn in New York and Love Story fifty times over in the past five minutes. If you're not fighting tears come the last lines ("… And He takes and He takes and He takes"), you may have a touch of autism.
5. The most depressive Ryan Adams song, played on repeat until suicidal tendencies are manifest (circa twice)
No one looks to Ryan Adams to lift their spirits, but I challenge anyone to sit through the entire seven and a half minute of Fuck the universe without even remotely considering suicide.
I don't know anything about "breakcore", but if song titles are anything to go by, breakcore artists at least considerably more fun than rap or rnb artists. The works of pioneer Passenger of Shit include Snortwhitepoopowderupgoatscunt, Suckwurmsoutmyfartingcunt and of course the immortal Bash My Intestines Up My Anus. However, after listening to thirty seconds of his hit Stapletapewurmsonmypenis, starting off with a convincing casio organ solo leading into some kind of death metal growling, I'm convinced that this guy represents one of music's seven trials singlehandedly. I'll let the impostor listen through his entire catalogue, starting with Suck My Fucking Diarrhea and finishing off with the childish, yet enticing Please Lick My Diaper.
7. Crazy frog
Need I say more. Dear intruder, if you ever come near my profile again, I will force you to listen through Crazy hits, More crazy hits and Crazy Hits (Crazy Christmas Edition). Twice.