I have put it in the fridge.
In a way, it seems wrong, but I didn't know where else it could go. It was starting to smell rather...a faint whiff of moral indignation that sort of hung around the room. And anyway it didn't match the curtains.
It came yesterday. In its own vegan-suede satchel, in a box full of pink tissue paper. I ripped the paper off, eagerly, barely pausing to read the note inside
"Congratulations. You have purchased an Original Piece Of Real Authentic Morrissey
Brain. For operating instructions see...-"
But who has time for operating instuctions? I grabbed it in both hands, and stared at it for a while. It wasn't very big. It had the shape of a brain, and it looked like a brain, but it seemed a bit disappointing somehow. For a moment, I thought it was my worst ebay purchase since the "Victoria Beckham
Guide to Quantum Physics". Although actually that turned out allright in the end, once you combined it with "Geri Halliwell's string theory".
Anyway, I held it, I whispered to it. It ignored me. I told it I loved it. It sighed slightly and almost imperceptibly shuffled away from me.
I got bored, and switched on "The World's Funniest Fruit and Vegetables ". We were halfway through artichoke (a SCREAM!) when I heard it moan. Softly at first, then a great protracted wail:
IGNORE ME IGNORE ME, YOU NEVER LOVED ME.
I ran to it, and held it in my arms "yes, I did, Morrissey, yes I did."
It sighed again.."if its not love, then its the bomb"..
This was what I wanted. How exciting.
"and Ian, is that IKEA furniture I see? How can you even get UP in the morning? Also, you really should think about buying vegetarian shoes if you're serious about animal rights, and I have a terrible feeling you've been playing Diana Ross
. I can smell the sacharine lingering. I won't be in the same house as-"
So I put it in the fridge. And I read the label again:
This Authentic Piece Of Morrissey's Brain was brought to you by SPM Enterprises (www.lifeistedious.com
). We accept no responsibility for the fact that it may complain on occasion. Morrissey eventually decided he was better off without it. He's lounging in a cocktail, sipping on a pool-boy as we speak.
I put it next to the "I Can't Believe Its Not Butter". I'm sure there's something exciting I can do with it.
I'll keep you posted..