Mainly, this marks basically the end of an era (HAHAHA get it) where I no longer categorize Nightwish as one of my favorite bands. After listening to this album, I can't believe there was a time, albeit eight or so years ago, that NW were my very favorite band that I listened to every single day and danced around to and wrote papers about in school. (seriously.) My interest in their music has waned in the past few years, and by the time I signed up for last.fm I had mostly moved on from my obsession, but I've always considered myself a fan even if I didn't always show it. I don't know if I can do that any more. This album was such a struggle for me to get through. About a minute or two into every song I wanted to skip to the next track. That has NEVER happened with me on a NW album before. Right now, I can't say there is a single song on this album that I'd listen to again. I'm just super disappointed.
Well, anyway, on to the stuff:
Shudder before the Buttiful- Is this Dawkins? He don’t sound very british. Well, this is the exact motive from…. Uh… the one song that goes “all you love is a lie blah blah butterfly.” Oh wait now it’s slightly changing. I keep waiting for anette to come in then I get sad The insturments sound “epic” but the vocal line be boring as fuck. This isnot floor’s tessitura. God tuomas stop with the fucking “ahh” choir keyboard patch. Damn, just cuz floor look like a man don’t mean she gotta sing like one (jk I don’t think she looks like a man but why is the voice part so low… it sucks) OMG is this troy’s dumb elbow pipes or a weird patch (uilleann means elbow in Irish for real lol wait my education is finally paying off?) too long of an instrumental break for such repetitiveness. I can’t understand any of these words here what? Eeveelution lol. Obligatory modulation (? Maybe… or maybe not? I guess my degree hasn’t paid off) ohh floor take it to church with them vocalizations. Oh wait it’s already over? Okay.
Weak-ass fantasy- lol “weak…” so tuomas just goes right out and admits it. This song sounds super familiar as well. I can’t think of anything to say right here. Yeah… okay growl-y floor now kinda. Wait cockracy? Okay this is getting to the point where I just want it to be over. This song seems like with a little extra time baking in the oven it could’ve been good. Guitar break… cool, now I feel like bellydancing. I like this part, even if it does seem repetitive again. Eww is this troy or marco? or Troyco from now on because I can’t really tell them apart. Why is tuomy obsessed with breastmilk. Is it supposed to get all quiet now or wait it’s loud again. Omg we get this riff already stop. Yes, over. NEXT
Oh, it’s Elan again. I already said I really like Floor’s voice in this (suck it) and I actually don’t dislike this song and thought it was good (but not a good single) Floor has a kind of delicace (is that a word Word says no) and hits the right words. I don’t really like the chorus on this song, it’s kind of boring and the lyrics make NO FUCKING SENSE (to my unenlightened mind, anyway. But I’m okay with that as I prefer my mental state to be as far away from tuomas’ as possible.) The second verse brings us and arpeggiated (guitar? Lol I fail) as accompaniment that I wish was present in the first verse because I like the affect (yes, affect with an A because that’s a stupid term that’s been ingrained in my mind to use from all those stupid academic papers) okay writing all that made me miss parts of the song, oh well. And, look, out friend Mr. Modulation shows up again in a fruitless, pathetic attempt to pull at our heartstrings. Tuomas, this doesn’t work when you pull it out for every other song. And, oh… there’s an extra guitar part at the end, which makes this the “album version” I suppose. Meh.
Delicacy! I think that’s the word I was going for above (not like food though)
Empty Hole- Wow. Spoopy. Violins. Aah choir. Wow. This also sounds super familiar. Now I can see what everyone’s saying about NW ripping off themselves. Okay, the intro can stop now. I actually kind of like this so far. Even the Troyco sounds okay, if only slightly. Wow, Tuomas, expect that cease and desist from Danny Elfman anyday now. I’m not really like the tendency of the choir parts being in “heterophony” (I’m sorry school removed my ability to talk like a normal person about stuff like this… I don’t really know how else to describe it.) with the main vocals. Lol random oboe. Sex noises? Actually I’m kinda liking this interlude more than the ones on the previous songs. Even if it is, again, repetitive. There’s that super familiar guitar riff? What song from DPP is that from? Oops, I thought it was over. Apparently not.
Decayed Sun -Eww this sounds like a slow song. Tuomas is serving up some knockoff Depeche Mode realness with this keyboard. I hate boring ballads in general and this seems to be no exception. I really want to skip this, but my journalistic integrity (ha!) is preventing me. This is the musical equivalent of a Quaalude. Omg I’m so tired just listening to this. Guitar coming in with a lame attempt to turn this into a power ballad. My lighter will not be raised to this, sorry. That keyboard is annoying me so bad right now. Tuomas needs to pick better patches that aren’t so lame and 80s (and I love 80s music!) Floor sounds okay on this, but I expect a lot of people will call her vocals “weak” (eyeroll) I’m not even going to get into what is wrong with that descriptor because I don’t want to miss the rest of the song. Yeah, if I buy the whole album this is one that will be always skipped (Oh, hey Tuomas, but my approach to listening to music is the opposite of yours. I enjoy songs, not albums.) IS IT OVER YET DEAR GOD PLEASE. Thank you thank you thank you finally.
Eww…. “My Walden” I hate this already based on the name. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HAYE HEYAE HAFUYSR HAUESHTGS the entire genre of Thoreau (? Dunno if I spelt that right) Whitman, and all the other lame 19th century shit Tuomas has such a hard on for. Okay, now I have to restart the song cuz I missed the first minute. Luckily it didn’t scrobble yet, as I wouldn’t want anyone to think I listened to this twice. Okay, man voices, blah blah…. Surprisingly I don’t mind it so far. And now we’ve come to the chorus. It sounds so much like the other chorus of the album so far. This needs to be over now. Uh, troy pipes again sounding so very similar to every other part they have in every other song. BORINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Wait… a transistion… and this section is boring too. Surprise. Okay blah blah, can’t think of anything to say here. I can’t tell if this one part is a fiddle or troy’s dumb pipes. I guess I kind of like this snippet though.
Titular track- OMG POKEMON BATTLE MUSIC SOUNIN’ SHIT WHAT. Hahahahahahaha, this is too much. Ah, le tritone. The devil in music herself. I might actually like this track. If, it ever starts. What lyrics I can catch though sound annoying. Ugh, the repetitiveness in this song kills me too. It just sounds like filler; like they couldn’t think of anything else to fill what they wanted to be instrumental sections and just copied and pasted the intro. I want to skip the rest of this song so badly… must…. Resist. Two minutes left. Can I do it? The answer at 10 only on T.R.E.X. channel 0!!! Dis so boring omg, why. EDIT YOURSELVES GUISE. FINALLY YES it ends
Enema- this music box sounding shit what. Yes, tuomas, you’ve convinced me of your ability to take a 5 second motif and turn it into a 5 minutes song. Okay, now that the vocals come in this isn’t all so bad. Dis dumb riff again WE GET IT ALREADY GEEZUM CRIPES. Why does this song also sound like it’s almost trying to be a 80s glam metal power ballad… which actually would be awesome if done right. This guitar solo… I can taste the hairspray and blush it wish it had. THOSE FUCKING PIPES AGAIN THE FUCK I’M GOING TO SET THEM ON FIRE. Just because Troy is now in the band doesn’t mean he has to play those damn pipes in every single song. They just aren’t called for in every song, and shoehorning them in just makes a mess. Ugh. GO HOME TROY NO ONE LIKES YOU.
Älpenglöw- the intro of this song sounds promising so far. Let’s see if I’ll still enjoy it after it’s repeated 10 times. And then the guitar comes in in another awful heterophonic show of lack of ideas. This formula makes me want to not listen to the rest of the album because I can basically predict it. The vocal line isn’t bad in this one. Okay, it’s getting slightly boring now, but still I think this will be one of the better songs on the album. I like the way Floor says places. TROY FUCK YOU DEESE PIPES I CANT. I want to alpenthrow Troy off a mountain. Okay this is getting really boring now.
Sherbet gulag- Okay, slow, slightly boring start. But not as boring as previous songs. Is this all instrumental? Boooooooooooooooring. I don’t think I can go through with this, I usually hate NW’s instrumental stuff. Wait, a voice. Male, though, so yuck. This actually isn’t that bad of a song despite the repetitiveness and manvoice. It’s a nice palate cleanser and is taking away my anxiety about sitting through the 24 minutes that are about to come. BOY SOPRANOS NOPE NOPE I’M DONE TUOMAS WHY. I was almost about to declare this probably my favorite of the album until these children voices assaulted my ears (rip wankster) Can I get through the last minute? It will be a struggle.
“The Epic” - I’ve grown to appreciate the cello these last few years so I like the intro so far. This piano is getting on my nerves though, it’s just uninspired compostition. Wait, bombast at last. I predict 5 minutes of boringness. Quit teasing me with the vocalization, I keep expecting actual words. Okay, here are words, boring as they are. Uh, the Dawkins shit starts. Not even paying attention. And I don’t know who the guy in the first track was, because this dawkins sounds exactly as british as I imagined. And now, is this PART TWO??!? I can’t think of anything to say about this because I’m disappointed with how it feels like I’m struggling to sit through it. This all sounds so same-y I can’t even think of anything to say that I haven’t set about the previous songs. Okay, the animal sounds got my attention. What Nightwish sounds like but through instruments. That would be a scathing insult if it made any sense. I think Tuomas and his Darwin-boner are trying to say something like “we used to be monkeys banging on rocks but now we bang on fabricated instruments instead! PROGRESS.” And man voice Troyco comes in again. This section is so BORING. WAS THAT A FUCKING HURDY GURDY? Yessssssss AND A BANJO????? Tuomas, might’ve you redeemed yourself barely?? Hmm… no. Okay, the song is almost over. Trexie, you can do this. Power through. Okay, the last (hopefully) section is starting. Bitch shut up I aint gon’ die. Quit trying to make me feel bad for spermies. Just imagine if the sperm that produced troy was jacked off into a sock instead. Lol troy i hate u so much. Is the rest of this instrumental? Thank god, that will make It go down quicker. THIS GUY TALKING AGAIN omg. It’s over? YESSSSSSSSS.
Before I used to be sad when a NW reached the end. Now I'm thrilled. How the times have changed...