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  • THE RULES OF THE METAL GODS (transcribed by Thrush)

    28. Feb. 2010, 8:03

    One night I was at my computer listening to an original pressing of Black Sabbath's first album while discussing witchcraft and Occultism on myspace with a few of my friends (who happen to be in KVLT and TR00 black metal bands that only released 50 copies of their one and only recording, and only 10 out of 50 of those albums sold, the recording was recorded on a faulty tape cassette player from 1984) a guy named Gary Gus confronted me and told me that he has come down from Metal Heaven to tell me that I am the Tr00est metal head on Earth and has a reward for me. He would read out the rules of the metal gods, which to be honest was incredibly fucking BORING! what a shit cunt! Firstly he tells me I am the Tr00est KVLT Metull guy on planet Earth now he is lecturing me.

    so according to Gary Gus AKA The Mettul God you must follow these rules, its a 3 strikes and your out thing, break 3 of them and you will NEVER reach metal heaven and but worst of all be a completely failed P0000000SER!!!!11111

    1 Ignore people who dont like Metal they aren't worth your time.

    2 you're not aloud to think its okay for Thrash and Grind bands to forget their punk influence.

    3 No Deathcore, Nu Metal or Metalcore if you listen to it you are sinning! The metal gods HATE sinning!!

    4 We all love the band Death!!!(except for a few fags who wont be going to Metal Heaven) but name dropping them to seem cool makes you a poser, and stop saying they are "DA GREATIST DETH METUL BAND EVA11111!!!!!!!" because their DM bands that are also just as great.

    5 Death>Morbid Angel>Possessed don't agree? well fuck you then! THE METAL GODS WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER!

    6 Black Sabbath or get the fuck out!

    7 Doom Metal is awesome if you think its slow! and boring you have the the smartness are cleverness that good ol' drugged fucked Ozzy has in his old age.

    8 666 refers to Iron Maiden not Satan, AND no im not 555 and your not 666 you fucking maggoty ass poser!

    9 No Dyed Black Emo Haircuts and no 40 + piercings! sorry if you have those then you cannot be in our KVLT and TR00 Metal Club.

    10 No Cannibal Corpse's album Kill is NOT their best album! ITS NOT EVEN A FUCKING DEATH METAL ALBUM!!!!! If you want to hear Cannibal Corpse playing Death Metal listen to anything else they did, but if you want them playing awesome Death Metal listen to the first 4 with Chris Barnes, but not Six Feet Under!!!!

    11 Korn did NOT bring back metal in the 90's!

    12 If you own Cryptopy's: The Unspoken King, Entombed: Vampire Blues, and any thing that In Flames did in the 2000's YOU WILL BE BANISHED FROM METAL HEAVEN!!!!!

    13 the more shows you go to the more metal points you get, and when you harm or injure a scene poser you hit the metal jack pot! ;)

    14 NO KARATE BULLSHIT IN THE MOSH!!!!!!

    15 Its Okay if your a Black Metal band to steal your lyrics from books on Satanism, Occultism and Witch Craft and its also okay if you are a Goregrind band and steal your lyrics from Medical Journals

    There was another 2 pages but they somehow disappeared when I went to Norway, It got stolen by some assholes who ran out of Joint rolling papers, FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!

    If there are any mistakes its the Metal god's fault so blame them NOT me!
  • METALLICA IS FUCKING GAY AKA Metal Quiz.

    17. Feb. 2010, 6:26

    Favorite death metal band: Demilich
    Favorite black metal band: Bathory
    Favorite thrash band: Demolition Hammer
    Favorite power metal band: Omen
    Favorite traditional metal band: Black Sabbath
    Favorite doom metal band: dISEMBOWELMENT
    Favorite Gothic Metal band: early Paradise Lost is the only non gay thing in the genre.
    Favorite "other" metal band: dISEMBOWELMENT
    Favorite song: far too many.
    Favorite instrumental: cant think of any
    Favorite live album: Motorhead: No Sleep To Hammersmith.
    Favorite festival: the closest thing to a metal fest in Australia is Scream fest.
    Favorite tour: I Dunno
    Favorite metal magazine: dont read em.
    Favorite (male) screamer/growler: Lee Dorian
    Favorite (male) singer (clean): the dude from Cryptic Slaughter
    Favorite (female) screamer/growler: Pfffft yeah right......
    Favorite (female) singer (clean): see above
    Age you started listening to Metal: mallcore at 11, classic metal 12, the full experience 16
    What was the first band you listened to? Not telling!
    Don't lie, do you listen to nu-metal?: NO! Im not lying faggot!
    Keyboards in metal, yes or no?: Usually No.
    Does corpse paint make you "grim" and "true"?: if you a KVLT wanna be faggot then yeah.
    Is power metal girly?: there is 2 kinds of Power Metal my friend Heterosexual Power Metal(Manilla Road,Helloween,Omen) and Gay Power Metal(Dragonforce,Twisted Sister,Poison)
    Metallica or Slayer: FUCKING SLAYER!!!! best live band! and it has been factually proven that Metallica are raging homosexuals.
    Iced Earth or Blind Guardian: OLD Iced Earth
    The Haunted or At The Gates: At the Gates
    S.O.D. or Anthrax: Joey Belladona Anthrax
    Hammerfall or Stratovarius: dont know either.
    My Dying Bride or Paradise Lost: My Dying Bride
    Iron Maiden or Judas Priest: Iron Maiden
    In Flames or Dark Tranquillity: In Flames
    Dimmu Borgir or Cradle of Filth: pffffttttt!!!!!!!
    Ensiferum or Wintersun: Wintersun
    Carcass or Arch Enemy: was that a joke? Im being serious! fucking Carcass!
    Morbid Angel or Cannibal Corpse: Chris Barnes era Cannibal Corpse for sure.
    Nevermore or Sanctuary: never listened to either!
    Darkthrone or Immortal: Old Darkthrone
    Venom or Bathory: Bathory the greatest BM band Ever, EVER!!!!!
    Mayhem or Burzum: Burzum
    Celtic Frost or Hellhammer: Celtic Frost
    Death or Obituary: Death
    Testament or Kreator: hmmmm tough one.
    U.S. Black Metal or European Black Metal: European
    Blast Beats or Breakdowns: was this a fucking joke again???!!!! Blast beats for sure
    Power Metal or Progressive Metal: Heterosexual Power Metal.
    Fates Warning or Dream Theater: FUCKING FATES! Dream Theater are gay.
    Benediction or Napalm Death: Napalm Death
    Judas Iscariot or Nargaroth: Ill go with that Judas band never heard of em but Naragaroth are FUCKING AWFUL!!!!
    Cynic or Atheist: Atheist
    Entombed or Dismember: Dismember for sure.
    Helloween or Gamma Ray: Helloween
    Suffocation or Dying Fetus: Suffocation
    Children of Bodom or Sinergy: AHAHAHAHAHA Children of Bottom are fucking gay!
    Sepultura or Sarcofago: Sepultura nigga
    King Diamond or Mercyful Fate: Mercyful Fate
    Nu Metal or Metalcore: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FAGGOT!
    Stockholm metal or Gothenburg metal: Stockholm.
    Opeth or Katatonia: Opeth
    Impaled Nazarene or Beherit: Beherit
    Evergrey or Pain of Salvation: Never heard of either.
    Devin Townsend Band or SYL: Strapping Young Lad
    Marduk or Dark Funeral: IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE FOR THE 50TH TIME??? Marduk are fucking legions!
    Vital Remains or Deicide: Vital Remains and before Glen joined.
    1349 or Emperor: Emperor
    Opeth or Symphony X: Opeth
    Covenant or The Kovenant: The Kovenant=Very Gay, Covenant= mildly gay
    Gore grind or evil Death metal?: Death metal
    Suicidal Black metal or Brutal Black Metal?: both sound pretty gay to me.
    Bay Area Thrash or German Thrash?: SODOM!!!! enough said.
    Mutiitation or Shining?: never heard of either but they sound gay
    Gorgoroth or Gaahlskagg?: Gorgoroth before the faggot Gaahl joined.
    Myrkskog or Zyklon?: I DUNNO
    Devildriver or Coal Chamber?: well both have extremely high doses of faggotry
    Lacuna Coil or Theatre of Tragedy?: Lacuna Coil are FUCKING GAY!!! my vote goes to Theatre who are also a little gay.
  • Top 10 Black Metal Albums

    30. Jan. 2010, 11:41

    Bathory: Under The Sign Of The Black Mark
    Mercyful Fate: Melissa
    Venom: Black Metal
    Dissection: Storm Of The Lights Bane
    Celtic Frost: To The Mega Therion
    Grand Belials Key: Mocking The Philanthropist
    Venom: Welcome To Hell
    Burzum: S/T
    Mayhem: De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas
    Marduk: Fuck Me Jesus(demo)
  • Top 10 Thrash Metal Albums

    30. Jan. 2010, 11:33

    Demolition Hammer: Epidemic Of Violence
    Exodus: Bonded By Blood
    Sodom: Agent Orange
    Rigor Mortis: S/T
    Slayer: Reign In Blood
    Megadeth: Rust In Peace
    S.O.D: Speak English Or Die
    Artillery: By Inheritance
    Incubus(Louisiana): Beyond The Unknown
    Megadeth: Peace Sells But Who's Buying?
  • Top 10 Death Metal Albums

    30. Jan. 2010, 11:18

    Demilich: Nespithe
    Gorguts: Considered Dead
    Death: Leprosy
    Suffocation: Effigy Of The Forgotten
    Cryptopsy: None So Vile
    Dismember: like An Ever Flowing Stream
    Sinister: Cross The Styx
    Asphyx: Last One On Earth
    Pestilence: Malleus Maleficarum
    Obituary: Slowly We Rot
  • Top 10 Grindcore albums

    30. Jan. 2010, 11:05

    Repulsion: Horrified
    Last Days Of Humanity: Putrefaction In Progress
    Napalm Death: Scum
    Insert Warfare: World Extermination
    Brutal Truth: Extreme Conditions Demand Extreme Responses
    Napalm Death: For Ensalvement to Obileration
    Carcass: Reek Of Putrefaction
    Cripple Bastards: your Lies in check
    Terrorizer: World Downfall
    Phobia: Return to Desolation
  • Top 10 Doom Metal albums

    30. Jan. 2010, 10:59

    Katatonia: Brave Murder Day
    dISEMBOWELMENT: Transcendence into the Peripheral
    Satarnus: Paradise Belongs To You
    Winter: Into Darkness
    Anathema: The Silent Enigma
    Candlemass: Night fall
    Black Sabbath: Sabbath Bloody Sabbath
    Saint Vitus: Born Too Late
    Thergothen: Stream From The Heavens
    Electric Wizard: Dopethrone
  • AWESOME METAL QUIZ.

    29. Jan. 2010, 11:55

    1. What is your favorite metal genre?
    Death Metal

    2. Do you like Lars Ulrich?
    No he is a faggot and I hope he gets aids.

    3. Last Album you bought/Downloaded?
    Cro Mags: Age Of Quarrel/Best Wishes
    Envy: A dead sinking story

    5. Last gig you attended?
    Fucking Mastodon

    6. Last gig you missed?
    I never miss a gig if it is all ages, I have 10 months to go before I turn 18.

    7. Favorite American Band?
    Millions Of Dead Cops

    8. Favorite Norwegian Band?
    Cadaver

    9. Age you started listening to metal?
    11

    10. First CD you bought?
    fucking lame ass James Bond Soundtrack for the Die Another Day movie.

    11. Favourite metal filmclip?
    I dunno nigger

    12. Favourite metal guy/girl?
    Martin Van Drunen of the audio chocolate known as Pestilence,Asphyx,Hail Of Bullets.

    13. Do you know how to growl like Corpsegrinder?
    No, I wish I could growl like Chris Barnes.

    14. Do you own any metal tshirts?
    Yeah Venom,Motorhead and Cannibal Corpse

    15. Are Vinyls releases better than CD ones?
    I dunno.

    16. Name your 3 Favourite Death metal bands. (in no order)
    Pestilence,Suffocation,(old) Suffocation

    17. Name your 3 Favourite Black metal bands.
    Venom,Bathory,Grand Belials Key.

    18. Name your 3 Favourite Thrash metal bands.
    Sodom,Exodus,Megadeth.

    19. Do you believe in Satan?
    No satanism is for faggots.

    20. Are Metallica Sell outs?
    They have sucked ever since the Black Album.

    21. Do you think Darkthrone sold out when they released a single?
    No, they havent sold out there just not that great their first album Soulside Journey which is a Death Metal album Pwns niggers.

    22. Name one song with SATAN in the title?
    NO!

    23. Do your parents like metal?
    NO!

    24. Is MySpace intensely gay?
    Myspace is dead so it doesnt matter, face book is very gay.

    25. Best band you've seen live?
    FUCKING SLAYER!

    26. Best metal band in your hometown?
    Mortal Sin.

    27. Favourite deceased metaller?
    Chuck Shuldiner,Quorthon,Paul Ballof

    28. Do keyboards belong in metal?
    No Keyboards are gay! the only weapons of metal is Guitar,Bass,Drums and Vokills.

    29. Does the idea of wearing medieval armour and fighting battles arouse you?
    NO!

    30. Injuries you've suffered in the mosh?
    No Im not a weak pussy!

    31. Best Australian metal band?
    Fucking Disembowelment!

    32. Whats better, buying a full length or buying an EP?
    depends on the music.

    33. Do you visit Metal-Archives frequently?
    Metal Archives is my life Nigga

    34. Did you think it ruled when Varg (Burzum) killed Euronymous?
    Nah.

    35. Would you kill Dani Filth if given the chance?
    I actually like Cradle Of Filth's first album and early demo's, So No!

    36. Do you like short fast songs or long epic songs?
    I like my Grindcore!

    37. Is Lemmy God?
    No Cronos is god get it right bitch ass motherfucker!

    38. Do you support church burnings?
    Yeah and Christian killing.

    39. Do you really care about metal these days?
    No I couldnt care less.

    40. Whos better, Philip Anselmo or Tom Araya?
    Tom, because Phil is an angry wigger.
  • LOC show ends in violence= Funniest show of the year

    9. Jan. 2010, 11:24

    "As Leftover Crack took the stage there was much anticipation, from a fuck load of punks who were stoked to get to see LOC finally in Australia. it wasn't 2 songs in before STZA decided he didn't want anyone touching him, so started kicking people in the face. then getting his bodyguard to hold people while he abused them. then he began 5 minutes of complaining he was too hot. As the crowd began booing and abusing him, he became more defensive, yelling abuse and getting another bodyguard on stage to try intimidate the crowd. It wasn't long before punks were on stage, punching him in the head, yelling abuse and generally trying to get the fuckwit to realise he's a fucking tool."
    "loucke = shit" on PunkAs.com. FUCK YEAH I was at that gig your the fucking tools! Stza was funny that night.

    The Show ended with people realising listening to LoC all those years was a waste of time. (ha ha not me that made me wont to by all of Da Stz.'s back cat.

    Btw I did not wright the review, some angry Crusty did
  • why and how did the Rev from Avenged Sevonfold die?

    9. Jan. 2010, 11:02

    Because he made the metal gods angry by playing false metal so they killed him, dont worry guys Oliver Sykes and the singer of Trivium is next.