• Horizon Broadening

    12. Jul. 2008, 9:26

    As of last Sunday, i've made the conscious decision to try to, as the subject says, broaden my horizons. I'm trying to put myself into new situations, because as far as i'm concerned, the situations i've been in haven't worked in 27 years. My life is pretty much the same thing day in and day out. Sure I hang out with friends now and again, but more often than not it's the same thing. Wake up, sit at home, go to work, come home, sit at home, go to sleep, repeat. After such a long period of time, that shit starts to wear on you.

    Last week, I went down to Dana Point with Ben and some of his family members to watch the local fireworks show. After it was over, instead of sitting in an hour or so of bumper to bumper traffic, we went to kill a few hours at a nearby bar. That was...I believe, my second time in a bar, ever. The first time was just to see a local band play. I didn't do any drinking (either time, but I moved back to this last week), just hung out with Ben and Ewa and played pool for about 3 hours, while they drank. I had a really good time just visiting with them, and we talked about a bunch of stuff, and it was really cool. The only downside to it was that I had to work the next morning, so needless to say I was freaking tired.

    Last Sunday, I went up to my friend Liz's son's birthday party out in Chino, and hung out there for a few hours. Midway through the day, when everyone else was in the pool/jacuzzi having fun, I slipped off on my own to have a little alone time. While I was out there, I did a lot of thinking, and that was when I decided that I needed to move out of my comfort zone more often than the never i'd done up until that point. Hell, I even considered starting to drink when out with my friends like the previous Friday. Haven't yet, but i've thought about it. Not necessarily to get hammered or anything, but more to loosen myself up in a more public situation, in the hopes the liquid courage will kick in, and maybe i'll take a chance on a woman that I wouldn't had I been sober.

    Cut to tonight (Friday night), and Ben and Ewa called me up and asked if I wanted to go with them to a bar to play pool. Initially I declined, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to go, and eventually I did. We went to a bar not two blocks from my house, but it was super busy, so we moved to another one. The pool tables at the second one were both occupied, so instead of waiting, we headed to another bar where we decided to stay. We were there from about 11PM to 2AM, just playing pool and hanging out. Met a couple interesting people, and played pool with a guy named Oscar. Overall it was a real good time, and i'm glad I went. The only downside, as I discussed with Ben, was that there was this AMAZINGLY hot chick there playing pool at the other table. I literally couldn't take my eyes off her...but of course I did my best since I didn't want to seem like a leering asshole. As strange as it may sound, it was actually mentally painful to look at her, mainly because I know that, most likely, I will never score a girl like that. Sure, it's not a total non-event, but the chances aren't in my favor, lets say that. So anyway, it was like torture having her around, but on the same token, she was great eye candy. :p

    So, that's been my experience so far in trying to get out a bit more, and so far i'm two for two. Here's hoping further ventures will pay off more.
  • *sigh*

    5. Sep. 2007, 6:12

    I’ve been REALLY fucking depressed for the past week, and I can’t really figure out why. For the first time in a while, I’ve been much happier when I’m not at home. When I’m out at work, or when I’m with friends, I’m enjoying myself MUCH more than whenever I’m at home. I know some of it has to do with all the bullshit that’s gone down at the Center lately, with people leaving, and others getting upset with others. Seeing the people leave has been more hurtful, really…because everyone that’s taken off has been a part of my life for a long time, and even though I know for the most part they’ll come back eventually (they usually do), I can’t help but feel sad by the loss of them. Even people I never really interacted with on a normal basis that have left, I’ve felt just as badly about them leaving. It just seemed like a group of people I consider family was starting to fall apart. I know it’s only natural for people to want to move on, and I understand. There have been times when I’ve thought about leaving as well. But in the end, I realize how much the place means to me, and I could never truly leave. I might be able to take a hiatus for a bit, but I could never leave entirely. Like I mentioned earlier, most everyone there is like family to me. Some people I’ve even seen grow up from teenagers into adults, and to see that “family” dynamic start to weaken a bit, I guess it’s been getting to me.

    I know there’s got to be more to why I’ve been feeling depressed, but i’m not as clear as to what exactly it could be. I think it may have something to do with the loneliness I’ve felt lately. When I’m at work, I’m around people that I’ve known for a while, and I can talk to and have a good time, and enjoy myself. And when I’m at home, I’ve got that same thing in a way (only difference being that these people are all online), but lately it just hasn’t been as fulfilling. I don’t know what about it exactly hasn’t been the same, but something just isn’t. The worst part about all of this is, not really knowing for sure what’s wrong. When you know what’s wrong, you know what you can do to fix it, and then you can set out and do those things…but when you’re clueless, you (at least I) just feel helpless, and feeling helpless sucks.

    I’ve been trying to occupy my time with video games like usual, and even those aren’t really helping like they used to. The only thing that still seems to help in the slightest is listening to music…so I guess that’s my new fall back. Not to say that’s a bad thing, as I’ve said numerous times in this blog, music has been there when I really needed it, and singing, drumming, or whatever has just been a big help to me. I just bought a punk CD by a band called Paramore, and a lot of their stuff has been upbeat, but when I listen to it, I just can’t get into it. I know that I like it, but I just don’t start bobbing my head or drumming on the steering wheel or any of that. I think right now, the more uplifting/upbeat music isn’t going to help me much. I’ve been listening to a lot of Marilyn Manson lately for some reason, it’s just been helpful and I don’t know why.

    I’m sure I’ll get out of this funk sometime in the near future, but for now, it sucks…it really, really sucks.

    Currently Listening To: Born Again by Marilyn Manson
    Marilyn Manson
  • Quick Thoughts

    30. Aug. 2007, 8:55

    This is probably going to sound bad coming after my last post, but I really need to get laid. *nod*

    I don't know why, but tonight I got an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Maybe it has to do with my need to get some? :p

    I've been wanting to start writing again, but I really have no idea what to write about. I'd like to write another story using the character I created, but I just can't think of any scenarios to put him in. I would also love to finish the 3 stories I started so long ago, but I get the feeling I never will.
  • More Gathering Stuff

    28. Aug. 2007, 7:54

    I’m trying to remember exactly what happened with Anelle after I kissed her cheek and got no response that night. I believe I brought it up the next day while we were alone again, and she mentioned the main reason she didn’t say much is because she’s really shy. I do remember that later that night she surprised me with a kiss on the cheek, which I was naturally ecstatic about…I think that was when I talked to her about the kiss from the other night.

    The night before everyone went home, her and I got into my car to take Eizan to the airport. After dropping him off, the whole way back I was considering actually trying to give Anelle another kiss, this time on the lips, and as we got out of the car I threw care out the window and did it…something I had honestly been wanting to do all week, but never got the nerve to. Anyway, I did it, and she giggled, and that was about it, as far as I noticed. She told me a few days later when I brought it up that she was blushing as well, but I didn’t see it for some reason. That’s pretty much all that happened, that I didn’t write about earlier. That whole morning while I was waiting for the time to come to take her to the airport I was doing my best to hold back the tears, because I knew I’d miss her a whole lot, which I did and still do. I felt so bad that day too, mainly because I wanted nothing more to just have my arm around her, or my hand in hers, just sitting together…but every time she’d reach out to grab my arm or my hand or something, I’d sit there for a few moments before excusing myself to the bathroom to gather myself. That happened a few times, and I didn’t really want to make myself seem so distant, but I just couldn’t help myself. Like I said, I broke down when I dropped her off, and gave her a final hug before saying my goodbyes. I told her I’d definitely have to come visit her sometime soon, and I’ll be doing that next month. I’m heading out to Alabama for a weekend, and I dunno how things are going to go. I’m pretty much going into this trip the same way I went into the Gathering. I’d like for something to happen, but I doubt anything will, and if nothing does I won’t really be disappointed.

    I hope I didn’t embarrass the hell out of Anelle with this post…lol.

    Nothing much else to update on…went down to tour the USS Midway down in San Diego with Ben, my mom, his mom and I, which was really interesting. We were down there pretty much all day, luckily the traffic wasn’t too bad. After we got back, Ben hung out here for a while, and I showed him the games skate. and Bioshock. His g/f came and picked him up (because his mom took his car back home), and I’ve been sitting on the internet, bored out of my gourd ever since. One good thing about being away from home all day is I missed out on a shitload of drama back at the Center.
  • The Gathering in a Nutshell

    6. Aug. 2007, 20:54

    7/28 - 7/29

    So far, the Gathering has been really fucking awesome, just like I knew it would be. I got in Saturday night around 8PM, and we all went to dinner (all that were there, anyway: Betty, Xylus, webhead, me, Eizan, Goro, Dez, Chax, David, Blackjak, Anelle, Lucy and Crono). Ended up splitting the dinner 12 ways...the check was something over $100. We all went back to web's place and played video games the rest of the night...I showed off my custom GH2, and it seemed to be a hit with the GH players. Gambit and Lor came over later as well. Eizan and I left web's around 12 to get to our hotel and check in and all that. The hotel itself fucking blows, but on the bright side, we're not going to be here all that often.

    We got woken up at 8:30AM by room service...stayed here for about an hour before heading to web's again. We stopped by the QuikTrip (the first of many stops), but it was mainly for gas. We got to web's around 10AM, and most people were still sleeping. Sometime near 10:30 most people started waking up. We stuck around web's place until 12, when Lucy, Eizan, Dez, Anelle and I went into Phoenix to watch a Diamondbacks game...which they got thoroughly whomped on. Sadly Lucy's first American baseball game wasn't all that exciting, but I think she enjoyed herself just the same. We had a good time regardless of the game itself. We stuck through the whole thing, the game ending sometime around 4:20PM, and after searching the parking structure for my car for about 15 minutes, we found it and headed back to web's once again, where David flipped through a bunch of web's pictures on the PS3 while he and Ashley were off doing their own thing, whatever that was. I don't know who else was with them though...but when they got back into his living room, he didn't like us making fun of his pictures, so he disconnected the network from the PS3 and killed our fun.

    We bummed around web's place while Betty, Azreal, Blackjak, and Wynd went off to a smoke shop and a few other places while we tried to figure out what we were doing for the evening. Around 8:30PM we finally got out and went over to some pizza place near web's house. Betty and them met up with us over there (I forgot to mention that Mera'din and Ancilla were at web's when we got back from the game as well), and we had dinner before heading over to the movie theater to watch the Simpsons movie together. Everybody but Lucy, Anelle, David and I sat together up at the very top row. David sat one row in front of them, and Lu, Nelle and I sat two rows in front of him. The movie was a lot better than I expected, and I enjoyed it quite a bit.

    After the movie, we once again made our way back to web's place and hung out...some people getting drunk, others not. Crono and I went on a hunt for a Walgreens, because my camcorder was acting up. We got it and came back, only to find out the camera itself must be a piece of junk, because it didn't work for shit. The drunk/tipsy people were off in web's kitchen area, and the rest of us were gathered around the TV to play some Smash Bros. and Guilty Gear X. Lucy passed out first, and Nelle and I sat together on the couch, and I became her footrest while she played Smash Bros, which was fine with me. >_> Lor passed out sometime after, on top of Goro.

    Eizan and I left web's around 2:30AM, and on the way back we ran into a bunch of people who went off to buy more booze (they walked, thankfully)...and here I am, writing down the days events for others to read. Go me!


    We went bowling...that's all I remember. I think the rest of the day was spent playing video games. Eizan and I ended up staying at web's that night. Sorry.


    Lucy woke us all up at the crack of dawn to get ready to go to the Grand Canyon, which we didn't leave to until around 8:15AM. We piled into David, Crono's, and my car and headed off for what I had no idea would be an over 3 hour drive. We made it to Flagstaff, where David got gas, and Crono's car took a shit. We were stuck there for about an hour until some homeless/druggie people came and helped out. Turns out his alternator died. Some of us decided to head back, I did because I was cranky and not feeling well. I took Anelle, Eizan, Goro and Lor back to web's, where we got there around 3:30PM, and Anelle, Eizan and I passed out for a few hours. Betty, Blackjak, Azreal, Matt, Wynd and Chax came over to grab me to go do stuff, but I was feeling like ass, so I didn't go. Anelle woke up and her and I took off to Best Buy so I could pick up 300 on Blu-Ray, and then we went to Safeway to pick up a cake for Eizan's birthday. We didn't celebrate anything until the people that kept going to the Grand Canyon and Betty's group got back, and then we sang happy birthday to Eizan and had cake. We played a little more video games before Eizan, Lucy, Anelle, Eizan, Chax, Dez, Kyle, Shannon and I went to Denny's and had horrible service. After we left, Eizan and I headed to our hotel and crashed. I was feeling like total ass at that point...my chest was killing me. I slept decently and today I feel alright.


    After Eizan and I took our showers, we went over to web's, where I stopped by Circuit City to pick up Hot Fuzz on DVD, only to get back to web's and find out that it came out on HD-DVD too, so I ended up selling my copy to Anelle so I could find the HD-DVD version later on. We sat around for a while, and people watched me play Guilty Gear, until we decided to pass the controller around to see who could be the first to beat the final boss. Eizan was the only one to beat her for one round, and pretty much no one else came close. After that went on for about two hours, Anelle, Lucy, DC, Goro and I took off to Wal-Mart so Lucy could buy a sleeping bag for camping tomorrow. We also made a stop at an electronics store, and finally made our way to QuikTrip for a fill-up and some food. When we got back, we all watched Hot Fuzz, and after it was over dinner was ready, so everyone had that, while I played a little Guitar Hero for a while. Lor joined in a bit later, and then after dinner, Nelle went into web's room to read some yaoi, and I joined her to read some Bleach before Chax, HikageRyu, Anelle, Eizan, Goro and I went out to a place called Bookmans and walked around. Eizan ended up picking up some used PS1 game, while the rest of us just kinda browsed around. When we left, the people in my car (Goro, Anelle and I) went to Wendy's and then came back to Web's, where Lor was still playing Guitar Hero. Now we're just sitting here staring at the song list for Guitar Hero. After a bit of that, the others started to plan camping shiznit, and Rigo said something to tick me off, so I left for an hour or so to drive around and bang my head to some Metallica before heading back to web's and taking Eizan back to the hotel.


    Eizan and I woke up, I took a shower, and then we checked out of the hotel, since there was really no need for it the next few days. We headed over to web's, where some of us just sat around, Lor played Guitar Hero for a while, and the others packed up for camping. Everyone left sometime around 12PM, and it was just Anelle and I for a while. All we did was order pizza and watch TV for a few hours until David came home from work. Before he got there, I ordered Mario Strikers Charged for Wii, and David took us down to Best Buy so I could go pick it up. When we got back, David and I passed out for about an hour, and I dunno what Nelle did. I woke up around 5:30, and we watched more TV until the X-Games came on, which we watched for a while. David paused it on the DVR and we went to get dinner. Nelle and I got Subway, and David went to the chinese food place next door. We got back and watched more X-Games until we popped in the 300 Blu-Ray to watch it. We ended the night watching more TV (Fresh Prince) before going to bed around 2AM.


    I woke up a little before 8AM and have been browsing the internet for the past hour. Anelle and I pretty much watched TV most of the day. David came home and joined in for a while and took us to get lunch. We basically sat around until the others came back from camping, and I got my car back. Anelle, Chax and I went to go pick up Mera'din at the mall, where he had been left for most of the day while Ancilla was at work. We brought him back and all went to dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory, with Betty and all the people that hung out with her. After we got back fron dinner, we all crowded around the TV in web's place and watched the episode of DBZ where Gohan goes SSJ2, followed by the latest Naruto episode. Lucy got up and left mid-way through because most of us knew what happened and were talking through it. We paused it and I went in to convince her to come back, and that we'd all shut up, which we did...and she came back to finish it off. After that was over, everyone that wasn't staying at web's that night took off and the rest of us went to bed.


    The people that were out in web's living room woke up around 9AM, and sat around for a but until I popped in some Guitar Hero and played for a while. Lor took over while Anelle, Dez, Eizan and I took off to do some shopping at Atomic Comics. Dez picked up a few wallscrolls, Anelle picked up a manga, I think all Eizan got was a small stuffed Winry, and I picked up a graphic novel and a Samurai 7 wallscroll (for way too much I might add), and a pony. poooooooooony. >_>
    I dropped the others off and I went off to get Burger King food, because the rest of the people at web's got chinese food. When I got back, Ashley and web hopped in my car and we went to go pick up their food. We came home, and the people still here are watching Flags of our Fathers on blu-ray. After the movie was over, we just hung around web's house for a while until we took off to go ice skating. After making a few loops around the place, we finally found it and went inside. Everyone went down there, but only a few people actually skated. I believe Goro, Matt, Chax, web, Ashley, Betty, Nick, Lucy, Crono and I were the ones that were on the ice, while the others watched. Everyone had a pretty good time regardless of what they did. Crono ended up taking out some 8 year old girl, too...was pretty funny. After that, we went over to Denny's and had another dinner together (the last we'd all have together this trip :( ). We headed back to web's place after dinner, and just stuck around for a bit before a few people walked to the nearby Circle K. First it was just Lucy and Ancilla, but then Goro, Chax, Anelle and I came a bit later. When we got back, the people that stuck around started to watch 300, so we finished that. Pretty much just stayed up until it was time to take Eizan back to the airport.


    Eizan, Anelle and I took him to the airport around 3AM, and I had to stop and get gas on the way back. As soon as we got back, I pretty much passed out on the couch. I woke up a few hours later to go with web as he took Dez and Lucy to the airport at about 7:45AM, and Anelle went as well. Since I can't really sleep too well after i've just woken up, I sat around dumbfounded for a few hours. After a bit of that, I decided to try and catch a few more hours of sleep, and woke up around 11AM. I sat with Anelle in silence for about half an hour before I started packing up. I mainly started to pack to distract me from crying, which I had been trying to hold back, rather unsuccessfully, for the majority of the time I was awake. At 12PM, I took Anelle to the airport and broke down in tears when saying goodbye...couldn't help it. I knew I was going to miss her a whole lot. After pulling myself together I made my way back to web's, finished packing, and told the rest (Goro, web, Ashley, and Lor) that I was going to head home. I didn't want to sit there and be the fifth wheel, so I took off. Wasn't the best idea I had, mainly because I was tired...I kept feeling my head droop for the first hour or two, so I pulled over at a rest stop and took a quick 15 minute nap before finishing my drive home. I pretty much crashed right after I brought all my stuff in, sleeping for about two hours before waking up and getting online, talking to a few people in IRC for a bit before deciding to go back to bed.
  • Vacation Drama

    3. Aug. 2007, 17:16

    So i've been in Arizona since late Saturday night for the Center Gathering, and have been having an awesome time so far. Met a lot of new people that i've known for years online, and it's been great. Even met the girl i've had a crush on for the past few years. :o

    Everyone but her, one of my friends' roommates and I went camping yesterday, and the two of us have just been sitting around watching TV most of the day. Her and I have been flirting back and forth all week, but nothing has happened, which is fine and good with me, as full of shit as it may sound. We've been sitting together most of the week, just leaning on each other and whatnot, and last night I had my arm around her shoulder. On a spur of the moment kind of thing, I turned my head and kissed her on the forehead, and things got kinda awkward for a bit. We called it a night pretty much after that.

    I don't really know what to make of the whole thing, really. I know that she's not oblivious to the fact that I like her, and as far as I can tell, she likes me as well. I mean, we get along great and everything, and i've loved just spending time with her all week. I don't know if I just made some huge mistake or whatnot, since she didn't say anything. I'm not going to bring it up to her or anything like that, I figure its just best if I let it go. If she brings it up, then maybe we can talk about it but otherwise I think I should just shut my trap and move on.
  • Understanding

    6. Jul. 2007, 21:33

    So, thanks to Ewa, i've come to realize what my relationship with Nicole was after all. I was just the right person at the right time, I guess is one way of putting it. I don't think when her and I started to go out that she meant for our relationship to be that way, but that's just how it worked out. I was there when she needed someone. And in some ways i'm ok with that, and some ways i'm not. I mean, I still have no ill will towards her, I think she's a great person who deserves to be happy, and unfortunately for me, i'm not the one to really make her happy. As much as I would love for us to get back together, I don't think it'll happen, and even if it did I don't think it'd be the best for both of us. I think its better if we just try to remain friends, which is easier said than done. I know that if her and I were to hang out again, the urge for me to just reach out and hug her or give her a kiss or do any of the other boyfriendly things like that would just be too strong. I want to be friends with her, but I don't know if I can be without it hurting me in the long run.

    It's all confusing, part of me wants to be friends but the other part is just telling me its a bad idea.
  • Move it!!

    27. Jun. 2007, 7:39

    The longer I think about moving to AZ, the more it sounds like a good idea. I fucking LOVE living out here in Huntington Beach...love it. But i'm thinking a move may be just what I need. New surroundings, new people to hang out with, all that jazz. Even if Ben doesn't move, I think it could be a good thing for me. The only thing that would hold me back is not being able to find a decent job out there. Plus I don't really have a place to live at the moment. I don't think it'd be a move in the next couple months, but even so, as far as I know there's no openings with friends. At least it's all still in the "i'll think about it" stage, so i've got plenty of time to worry about it.
  • I'm still here

    21. Jun. 2007, 6:52

    So, I think I’ve finally cleared my head enough over the past two days to give a better rendition of what’s happened recently, without bursting into tears. :p So here goes…the beginning might be a bit jumbled, it’s mostly just the thoughts that have been going through my head, in no particular order.

    So, obviously I’m bummed out about what happened, I thought things were going so well, and in a way I guess they were, but it just wasn’t meant to be, I guess? For the past month and a half, Nicole has made me happier than I’d been in a long time. I was so very much in love. I don’t know what it is, but I just have this real need to be with someone. I can be alone just fine, but after a while it just gets old, and having someone to share my free time with was a wonderful experience. It didn’t hurt that her and I had a whole lot in common, and we got along really well. My feelings, like they usually do, hit full force pretty quickly, but this time I feel like my feelings were actually there, and not just in my head like they have been in the past. I cared (and still do, really) a great deal about Nicole, she was just a wonderful person all around, and I was overjoyed every time we were together. To find out that, while she does enjoy hanging out, the feelings of love weren’t mutual was a bit of a surprise. She never said the three magic words, even though I had…but I was okay with that. I think I’m just quick to fall in love, and she’s a bit more guarded about it, which is fine. I wasn’t hurt that she never did say it.

    One of the things that kind of upset me was the way I had to find out. I’d been calling her for a few days this past weekend, but 9 times out of 10 I got her voicemail instead, and the paranoid part of me was working overdrive, and I was starting to think that she might’ve been avoiding me. So, instead of calling on my cell phone like I had in the past, I called on the house phone, and sure enough, she picked up. Now, I’m not mad that she was avoiding me, I can understand that what she was wanting to tell me isn’t an easy thing to tell someone, but I do admit that it stung a little that I pretty much had to trick her into answering. In all honesty, I would much rather she did what she did when I finally did get through, and tell me what was going on, than to just avoid the subject and let me worry for weeks on end. That’s what happened with Johnna, she never really told me things were over, she just stopped responding or answering her phone, and that hurt me…that hurt a lot. I couldn’t tell you how many times I sat at home, worried that things were over and never getting a confirmation. That bugged the shit out of me.

    On a better note, one of the positives I can take away from my relationship with Nicole is that I gave it my all, which was my problem with Johnna. I was too scared I was moving too fast, and I never showed her that I cared. I told her, but I never did the things a boyfriend should’ve done. With Nicole, I did all those things, and I’m proud of myself for doing that. I think that in the future, I’ll have an easier time of doing that with others I want to start a relationship.

    The one thing that really bugged me, and that quite possibly hurts the most is that the last day her and I were together was the day that I finally got a picture of the two of us together. Ever since we went on our first real date, I had been wanting to, but she’s a bit camera shy. The last day (last Monday) her and I hung out, she got her hair cut and wanted to take pictures of it to show off to her friends, and I of course jumped at the chance. I figured this would be my best shot to get a picture of the two of us, and it was. I was so unbelievably happy to finally have that, and to know that it was the last day her and I spent as boyfriend/girlfriend…it just kills me, so naturally I deleted it the first chance I got.

    Anyway, if it seems like I’m bitter, I’m not. As strange as it may sound, I do hope that her and the guy she is going for now are happy. She gave me the best month and a half that I’ve had in a LONG time, and for that I’m very grateful, I just (of course) wish it were still going, but I’m not going to hold her back. If that’s what she wants, more power to her.

    I’m just very glad that I’ve got a friend I can call on. If Ben hadn’t been there for me on Monday, I don’t know how much worse that day would’ve been. I knew that being alone wasn’t what I needed, and that I needed to hang out with someone, and I got lucky that he wasn’t at work. I figured he might’ve been, but I had to at least try. He came down, and we got lunch. I tried my best to hold it together, and didn’t really say a whole lot for fear of bursting out into tears in the restaurant. After that, we headed back up to his place and then went out to a nearby golf course and hung out at the driving range, hitting a few golf balls, which really helped. It was nice to get outside and get some physical activity, plus it made me want to do something like that again in the near future, I had a good time.

    We decided to head to an Angels game as well, and man…what a game. We were sitting between third and home, underneath the second tier of seats. The Angels ended up winning it 10-9 in the 9th inning thanks to Chone Figgins. He was just on fire that night…if he didn’t get MVP of that game, I don’t know who else deserved it. It was a real back and forth game, and when they won it in the end, the whole place went nuts. It was a great way to end the day.

    Yesterday and today were nothing special, just typical days. I’m a lot better than I was on Monday, but I’m still not 100% back to normal. I haven’t talked to Nicole since, and I don’t know when I’ll be ready to talk to her again. I honestly would like to be friends, but I know it’s just going to be too painful to see her and not be romantically linked with her. That’s just the way it goes, I guess.

    Ben mentioned he was considering moving up to San Francisco as well, and that kinda caught me off guard. It got me thinking though, that if he leaves, other than my mom and grandma, I’m not really going to have anyone out here. So, once again I’m considering moving out to Arizona. I don’t know where I’m going to live exactly, but at the moment I’ve got a few options. I don’t even know If I’m going to be able to find a job out there, but I’m going to be looking at the FedEx job postings in the next few months, and see if I can’t transfer out there. I’d much rather work at the front counter out there than to be a driver, but if that’s all I’m going to get, I think I just might take it. I still don’t know if this is even going to happen, I’ve only really been giving it serious thought since Monday, so it’s obviously something I need to work out a bit more before I lay down anything concrete, but yeah…that’s what’s been going through my head the past few days.
    To end with, here's a song that kinda fits with my mood the past few days (the bold section really fits):

    Korn - Deep Inside

    I'm not doing great
    I feel like I'm dead
    Not thinking straight
    Inside my body, troubled, full of hate
    I had to let it out before it's too late

    Deep Inside, It can hide!
    Feeling so lost and betrayed
    why does this happen to me everytime
    Stuck in this place, where I can't escape
    Screaming and clawing from deep inside

    Why won't it fade
    Outside I had to lie; "I'm ok",
    I hope someday, I'll stop getting pain
    I guess this is a lie, I have made

    Deep Inside, It can hide!
    Feeling so lost and betrayed
    why does this happen to me everytime
    Stuck in this place, where I can't escape
    Screaming and clawing from deep inside

    What am I doing?
    I can't believe this
    I have been hiding
    Wanting to be less
    Giving to people,
    They take from me
    Always they bring drama to me

    Look, look at me now

    Feeling so lost and betrayed
    why does this happen to me everytime
    Stuck in this place, where I can't escape
    Screaming and clawing from deep inside

    I can't stand all this fucking Pain
    Please god just go away
    Please god just make the pain...
  • Alone Again

    19. Jun. 2007, 18:34

    Well, Nicole and I are done...she still has feeling for someone she cared about that she went out with a few years ago, and they've become close again....so, we're done.

    It's good to know I have friends who will be there when I need them. I called Ben soon after and he came over and spent the day with me, and made it a lot easier than it would have been.