Dienstag, 12. Feb 2013, 19:15

The word fate is usually described as a certain determination, a certain fixed path which leads to a definite ending or conclusion; it is the notion that there are things beyond human control which have been set into place according to a plan. I personally do not view fate in terms of a spiritual or mystical context. It is more about the idea of how my life has been entangled in a specific web since birth and that the life I lead is centered and directed by this web. I do not concern myself as to whether this fate is what should happen, but rather that it is existent and apparent to my life which, once again, need not be predetermined but simply influenced in nature. This very presence of such fate realizes itself in the most elementary forms of my life, largely associated with its actual initiation. The person that I am roots from this given fate but it could also be attributed to exterior circumstances which, although exclusive of my will, have created my will. At its core, the ultimate lack of choice in each and every aspect of my being leads me to believe that any of my possible futures are mere results, albeit limited, of a life that has been given to me, regardless of whether this life was meant to be or not.

I had no decision as to the circumstances and situations I was born into. It would not be much of a stretch to claim that I have had no control over my life for the first few years following my birth. Since an early age, my parents have introduced me to religion and alongside religion comes views, ideals. These very ideals became the basis of my outlook on life and everything surrounding it. Questions like death, faith, sin: they were all meant to be answered by religion. I remember first encountering the issue of homosexuality a few years ago in a conversation with friends and they lashed onto me for thinking it was wrong. I was quick to defend my view but in reality, it was not much of my view as opposed to my religion's view. Having been born into a religious family was a situation that I had no control over and simply accepted. Looking back, if it were not for religion, I would have definitely been a different person, may it be for better or for worse. I also happen to be the middle child. However, the transition from being the youngest to being the one in the middle was quite a jarring experience. I was the "baby" of the family for eight years, until the point when my sister was born. She was the girl that they, my parents, had been wanting for a long time, let aside the fact that my parents had thought I would have been a girl. In a moment, all the attention shifted over and I no longer held as much relevance as before. This has led me to constantly seek approval of authority, as opposed to simply wishing for approval amongst my peers. I have become so immersed and consumed by the idea that if my existence is not approved of or praised, I could not really be satisfied. My family is not perfect; no family quite is. I just happened to have had the misfortune of seeing my parents' marriage crumble before my eyes. This in itself has provoked within me a rather pessimistic view on families and the meaning of trust. Families are meant to be a symbol of togetherness, of comfort but my family finds itself on the opposite realm, where it seems we are simply strangers stuck in a house. These situations were presented to me and they are what I have lived with and will live with. My development as a child in such a household is the ground upon which I, as a person, have grown and rooted from. This is not the end, however; my will is as influenced by my beginning as it is by the events exterior to me.

My very identity is, and has been, influenced by outside events in which I have no control over. I remember going to my new school and having a lot of people befriend me on the first day. In retrospect, I was quite naïve and gullible; all those people ever wanted was my schoolwork. This experience created within me distrust for people and I still find myself carrying doubts on a regular basis. Following the last event, my summer in ’10 was quite dull seeing as I never quite had friends. This led me to start frequenting internet forums, purely for the sake of satisfying my need to interact with people. It was on one of those very forums where I met a person who changed my life. This person was the friend I long awaited for, a missing piece to my puzzle. I spent countless hours talking to them and every single one of them was an experience. Through these conversations, I was able to draw out a persona that I liked, a side of me that could amount to something. I have yet to encounter such intimacy with another person and I feel that if it were not for them, my life would have spiraled into uninviting depths. Another unexpected but rather appreciated exterior circumstance would be my history class. My teacher, at the time, happened to be a philosophy teacher as well and his class would have philosophy assignments on the wall. Every day, I would see on the wall this picture which said, “What is the meaning of life?” and I was drawn to it, drawn to the mystery and ambiguity behind such a question. When it came time to choose our courses for grade eleven, I asked my teacher what philosophy was all about and his answer played a part in my decision to take the course the following year. Being part of the philosophy course, twice, is one of the more defining events in my high school experience. The class taught me to see the world in a different way, to think about issues that are present and relevant to my life but most of all, to find an answer. Not necessarily the answer but just an answer, just the notion that I could try to make sense of what is happening. This class evoked within me thoughts and ideas that were at rest but are now awake. My answer to this very essay should be considered a product of my philosophy class and none other.

I view my life as a continuous process of cause and effect, with the initial cause being exclusive of my will. My actions, my decisions, my being: they all arise from this life that has been handed to me. It is not necessarily the belief that my life is directed by fate but rather that this fate has limited my free will to a certain degree. As I have mentioned previously, the idea or the premise behind this fate need not be predetermined or destined but simply that it is existent and affecting. While I am conscious and aware, I am still limited and influenced by these circumstances which are beyond my grasp. I am simply part of a flow which has the potential of ending up in an indefinite amount of places but is yet controlled by its surroundings.