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  • Hooray for Sweat Shops

    2. Feb. 2009, 15:30

    A lot of people think sweat shops are bad. To them I give a hearty "fuck you!" and an exuberant flip of the bird. What the hell do people bitch about sweat shops for? Here are just a few of the great services they offer:
    They keep kids busy - Seriously, kids need something to do with their time. If they're not living in a country which provides public education for them, they may as well be making a buck (in some cases, a buck a week) for their families. Honestly, if the kids can't go to school and if they don't have their own land on which to raise food, what the hell else are they gonna do? Sit at home and fuck around until mom and dad get home from a long day's work and have to put up with their bullshit? Fuck that. I say put the little bastards to work.
    They provide cheap goods by taking advantage of the exchange rate - Everyone's heard all those sob stories about people making thirty cents an hour and bitch bitch bitch, whine whine whine. The fucking pussies who pull out this old chestnut and act like it's some sort of evidence whenever there's a debate about sweat shops need to take a step back and examine reality. You know why these people are making so little per hour? Because the exchange rate has such a fucking drastic difference between American currency and Third World currency. In Bangkok, a bachelor's degree in computer science will land you a job which pays four American dollars for an eight-hour work day. That's fifty cents an hour, for those of you who went through the American public school system. Who's being oppressed here? No one. The simple fact is, people like to bitch about how overseas jobs get paid so little because they like to pretend that Americans are some sort of oppressive overlords; in reality, American corporations are providing jobs for foreign citizens with comparable pay to what they would be getting anyway. Not only that, but since they save so much on labor they get to provide a less expensive product to the American consumer. That means that I can got into a corporate store like Wal-Mart, find a cheaper product of decent workmanship, and steal it!
    They take away jobs from white trash - I don't know if this is true or not, but I certainly hope it is. If I had my way, I would make it mandatory for every American corporation to move their factories overseas. If there's any group of people that doesn't deserve any sort of job whatsoever, it's white Americans. Goddammit, just thinking about them is pissing me off. I know it's quite the rage nowadays to pretend that hard-earned money is somehow being stolen from the American proletariat because of jobs being exported overseas, but the simple fact is that, in addition to my previous two reasons, sweat shops are great because they allegedly take jobs away from white Americans who don't work for shit. I say this as a white American; we are the laziest people when it comes to factory work. Why? Because we fucking believe that for some reason we have better things to be doing with our time than whatever it is we're doing. If I were ever a human resources manager for a factory, I would hire only Mexicans, because the greatest workers I've ever known have been Mexicans. I've said it before and I'll say it again - white people suck.
    Whenever I see something on TV from that fat fuck Michael Moore showing his "hometown of Flint, Michigan", I want to track that bastard down and beat him to death with his own self-inflated ego. Moore's documentaries tirelessly emphasize his belief that, since the factory moved away from Flint, the citizens of Flint somehow are not to blame for their current state of squalor. Fuck that. This is fucking America - no one's forcing these people to stay where they are or keeping them from obtaining training for a better job. If life is so harsh for them, they should move overseas to where the jobs are. What's that? You don't want to go to a foreign country where you don't speak the language and don't know anybody in order to get a steady job? Maybe you'll think next time before you bitch about Mexicans "stealing your job", you white trash piece of shit. Some people have it a lot worse than you do, so shut the fuck up and go back to stuffing your face with Pizza Rolls.
    Where was I going with this? Oh yeah...
    Sweat Shops Rule - At least, they do for me. Sure, maybe they're taking away jobs from Americans, but the fact is that most Americans don't deserve a job anyway. Americans suck. The only adverse effect sweat shops have had, as far as I can see, is the fact that they have inspired white trash to put up signs which proclaim"Export tires, not jobs" in their unmown lawns next to their rusted pickup that no longer runs. Yeah, right. As if that's even feasible. I'm sure that executives for tire companies like Firestone are slapping themselves on the forehead right now and screaming, "Goddammit! That's brilliant! I know exactly what to do - we'll make the tires here in the U.S., where we have to pay our employees at least $7 an hour, then we'll pay the cost of shipping to have them exported to a developing country, since any country with an economy comparable to the U.S. is going to be able to manufacture their own tires anyway, and we'll try to sell them at a price that will help us break even and at the same time will make our product affordable to these people! It's fucking brilliant!"
    The fact is, corporations have sweat shops and overseas factories because that's the only way to participate in a global market - you make your product where it's cheap, then you ship it to where it's expensive. It's simple logic. That's why sweat shops rule.


    If you're some sort of white trash bastard who believes that foreigners are somehow stealing your job, shut the fuck up and bring me a drink. I'll even pay you ten cents an hour to do it.
  • Cracking the Bar Code

    2. Feb. 2009, 15:21

    One of the quickest and most efficient ways by which to judge a person (besides their clothing, hairdo, and skin color) is by the sort of drinking in which they engage. A lot can be told from a person by what's inside their glass. Here's a quick rundown of alcoholic beverages and their corresponding personality types:
    Wine = Trashy pretentious assbags: I know, I know. Wine is cool. Wine is what good people drink. Wine is for rich Italian guys who smoke fat ass cigars and wear silk and have thin little moustaches. But 90% of all people you will encounter who drink wine are nothing but gutterbums in the making. My favorite is people who act like Boone's Farm is something other than gasoline with Kool-Aid packets mixed in; they'll pour it into $2 wine glasses they got from WalMart, take a sip and smack their lips before finally nodding their assent, as if the wine meets their oh-so-sophisticated palates. Wake up, dipshit - you'd be better off mixing rat poison in your morning coffee. When the fuck will you get it through your head that the fact that a wine comes from Australia does't make it exotic at all? When will you stop buying $7 jugs of Carlo Rossi and acting like the silent consonant at the end of the wine's name (cf., merlot, chablis, cabernet) automatically transforms the entire jug to something fit for the aristocracy? I don't claim to be a wine connoiseur at all, but I know what good wine tastes like. An inherited allergic reaction to sulfites (the preservative they put in shitty wine) tips me off to inherent flaws in the wine. Fuck you, wine drinkers. You suck. Go polish your emo glasses and pretend like you understand James Joyce.
    Alcohol mixed with caffeine = Hardcore folks: Do not mess with these people. People who drink Irish coffee, people who drink Red Bull and vodka, or people who drink any other combination of caffeine and alcohol are not to be trifled with. They will be up all night, and they will be loud. They will be hollering at your sorry ass when you're passed out under the table in order to wake your shitty self up to do shots with them. Then they'll go puke on a cop car. After that, they'll probably break a table over their head or something. Don't plan on hanging out with people like this unless you're ready to either keep up with them or babysit, because Lord knows they're not going to bed anytime soon.
    People who drink Malibu, Cabana Boy, or any other sort of flavored rum = Spoiled rich fuckers: People who drink this sort of shit should not be associated with. Seriously. They need to be isolated in a room with each other so they can bitch about how that stupid Mexican maid brought them a margarita with too much salt on the rim. People who drink this shit will talk to each other about the following topics: 1) Whichever diet is currently in vogue, 2) How rough they had it in high school and how they can totally relate to any of the proletariat class who may be listening to their conversation 3) The stock market 4) High school football 5) Any combination of the preceding. These people suck - they'll usually have three drinks over a six hour period, bellow about how drunk they are, and then kill the first person that spills water on their Abercrombie clothing.
    People who drink beer in cans = white trash: Don't hang out with these people unless you want to spend the night talking about Nascar and tractor pulls. I'm not going to say I've never drank a beer out of a can; however, I have the presence of mind to pour it into a cup whenever possible. Look out, trailer park, we's a-gonna have ourselves a hootinanny! Fuck these white trash bitches.
    Shots of hard alcohol = People who will be puking and passed out fifteen minutes after they arrive: Look out for these people, too. They'll usually start out strong, but won't have the stomach to keep the night alive for very long. You'll usually be able to fuck them within about twenty minutes of meeting them.

    Yeah, yeah, so I ripped into some people. You might ask yourself, what sort of alcohol does dave drink? I drink whatever's there, bitches. I am a multi-cultural, well-balanced person. I give everything a chance, especially if it's free. I can usually be found with a bottle in my hand, because pouring the alcohol into a shot glass just takes too fucking long. An example: choir party last year. I show up with a half-full bottle of Jose Cuervo and a bottle of Country Time Lemonade (in my opinion, the best of the Jose chasers). After a couple of hours, I realized that not only had I accidentally done a Power Hour with Keyston Light (not a good idea under any circumstances), but my bottle of Jose was empty and I was the only person who had been drinking from it. Luckily, I had my slingshot with me and was able to stumble around irreputable parts of town causing criminal damage before passing out in a bathroom. At least, that's what I remember. A lot of people had to fill me in on the blank areas in my memory.
    Another example of my drinking technique: I showed up to a party, drank a bunch of Keystone, then drank a Bloody Mary my friend made for me that was apparently half vodka and half Worcestershire sauce with a dash of tomato juice on top. After that, I drank the remaining 2" of a bottle of gin. Why? Because it was there. Honestly, there's no method to my drinking. I just drink what's there. I'm an equal-opportunity drinker.

    And that's how I got to be the great person I am today.

    (On a side note, I also don't discriminate against drinking on any particular day, which would explain why I feel like shit as I edit this post at 10:30 on a Monday morning. Maybe some hair of the dog will fix me up...)
  • An open letter to all the women with whom I've slept.....

    2. Feb. 2009, 15:07

    To Whom It May Concern:

    I realize that it makes you feel better as a person and gives you an overall more secure sense of self-worth to claim that I only used you for sex; however, a statement such as this one is complete slanderous bullshit, and I would appreciate it if you stopped.
    To the One Night Standers: I know that you're pissed because we were never officially "dating" when we had sex, and that I didn't consider you worthy of the time it would have taken me to get to know you on something more than a superficial level. However, that's you're fault, not mine. Perhaps if you were a more interesting person I would have taken the time to get to know the "real you" before I snuck out of your room at three in the morning with my shoes in my hand. Maybe if you had given any indication at all of being worth my time I wouldn't have gone back to the same shitty party where I picked you up and picked up another woman in order to wash the your taste out of my mouth. If we both had some self-respect, we know that this wouldn't have happened, so stop pretending like I took advantage of you while you were in a state of complete alcoholic irresponsibility after you drank half a glass of shitty keg beer; I didn't. Remember, you were the ones who suggested that we "go someplace else", not me. Reevaluate the situations - who was using whom?
    To the Women I Got to Know Fairly Well: You were definitely worth the time it took to get to know you. I didn't ever regret our conversations, and I think you're all great people. However, I think that your bullshit is what killed our friendships, not my alleged one-track mind. When we started sleeping together, I made damn sure that you knew what this was. I never claimed to be faithful to you, and I wasn't. I can't think of a single one of you I was "faithful" to. I told you that we were friends who would fuck, and we were. You were completely informed. I didn't hold anything back from you. However, when you started demanding that I sleep over or gave me a jealous look when I talked to other girls, then it was over. I decided that sleeping together was too much of a strain on our friendship. When the sex stopped, you stopped our friendship. It wasn't the other way around. Think about this for a second: who was using whom for sex there? Certainly not me. Please stop lying to yourself and claiming that I was only interested in you for sex. You seem to so easily neglect the months we knew each other prior to the sex. If you really think that I waited that long just so we could have a couple of thirty-second romps in your bed, you are mistaken. I like you as a person. Well, I did until you turned into a bitching self-loving blame-externalizing fuckrod. Also, I'd like to point out that not one of you had to be talked into sex with me. You all did that willingly enough. It was talking you out of the sex that was the hard part.
    To the Women I Was Dating When I Slept With Them: None of this applies to you.

    I'm sick of you all claiming that I was just into you for the sex. I didn't rape anyone; you were all willing participants. Stop being such a bunch of fucking whiners - if I wanted to have sex with crybabies I'd go hang around the kindergarten jungle gym like my creepy uncle.

    Oh yeah, I forgot that there are a couple of you whose names I don't know...I did just use you for sex. Deal with it.




    P.S. Bring me a drink. That way I can be using you for sex and bar service.
  • Valentine's Day = VD

    2. Feb. 2009, 14:55

    It's that time of the year again. That time when all those magical little groundhogs poke their heads out of their magical little growing-up-to-be-a-cat-lady burrows. If we hear them utter the magical words, which are as follows:
    "Valentine's Day? More like Single's Awareness Day!!! HAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!"
    "Right on, Sister Groundhog!! HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAwe're stupid!!"
    If we hear these words, then my friends we can expect at least six more weeks of bullshit.

    I thought about knocking Valentine's Day in this post, but in all seriousness that's overdone and I generally agree with Valentine's Day anyway. Think about it, a day when the slightest little token of affection, like chocolates or flowers or a $4,000 ring, given with just the right words practically ensures nookie of some sort. VD is fucking pimp. Finally, an excuse for guys like me to give shit to women without the risks of restraining orders and dads with shotguns. Which brings me to the main point of my post: people who bitch about Valentine's Day are fucking losers.
    I swear to God, the next time I hear another ugly person (and ugly refers to the external and the internal) comment about Single's Awareness Day (hereinafter, SAD), I am going to look them straight in the eye and say, "Maybe if you weren't such an ugly stupid bitchy piece of shit you wouldn't be able to make that joke. Now bring me a drink or get out of my way." Seriously, who the hell bitches about being alone on VD? Oh, that's right: the people who can't get action because they suck.
    People who are single by choice. They're fine. They have better things to do with their time. People who have a significant other are fine. They have someone. People like me have a long list o' ladies we can call and hang with. We are always good to be alone or to have someone with us. You know, depending on the mood.
    But people who are alone on VD and then bitch about it? Fuck them. They suck. More often than not it's some ugly ass bitch who thinks he/she's being clever because he/she heard the SAD joke from someone else and now he/she's using it to gain attention. Either that or it's some "I'm always the nice guy who never gets any" fag who repeats this shit because he hears it from his bitch friends and think it's funny to act like they do.
    I can't wait for the away messages: "Happy Single's Awareness Day!!!", "OUT WITH MY SINGLE GIRLS ON SINGLE'S AWARENESS DAY!!!" or funniest of all, "why haven't you called, I'm so alone and I have a gun and I'm thinking of using it because I'm alone on VD." The second I see one, I'm IMing that person with a link to this site. That should make them feel better. Or maybe some advice. Ok, here goes.....

    GUYS: Go out, buy a dozen roses at Wal-Mart (or better yet, steal some free flowers from a graveyard), give them one by one to various girls. Girls alone on Valentine's Day are easy as hell. They're in the same pickle you are, they don't want to be alone and will latch on to any sign of human contact in order to validate themselves. They will do anything to maintain this contact. You hear me? Anything!

    GIRLS: Stay away from guys like me.


    Happy VD, bitches.
  • lions as children lambs as adults

    26. Jan. 2009, 8:31

    I asked myself what I should write about at 2:30 in the morning, i eventually came up with "elementary school dodgeball".

    Gasp! The memories! Fully erect balls (uhh...), packed with air so tight that a simple bounce would cause havoc, the metallic smacking sound cringing our eyes yet whetting our appetite.

    Our appetite for the one thing that kids know how to do so intuitively: causing pain to others. Yes!

    When we ran out for our recess kickball, there was always a hidden rule that stated no matter how many times someone would yell out "no pitchy patchy's", the rule would never come into effect ("no pitchy patchy" meaning that you can't throw the ball at the runner to get them out). No. We relished the chance to evade a ball whipped furiously from a distance, performing insane jumps in order to get an especially ferocious high five when we landed home. I remember vividly how one kid threw a ball from the outfield, dead on to the runner. The runner jumped high, but the ball slammed into his air born feet, sending him spinning with a audible slam to the pavement.

    And then dodgeball. Wonderful dodgeball. Gone were the cross field throws. Gone the single target running around the bases. No. dodgeball was ten feet away. dodgeball was a bunch of ducks sitting in front of a stone wall with two feet of leeway on either side, trying to hide from the meteor that some kid would whip as hard as he could. Getting hit with that thing was worse than what you see on the news. News is reported. dodgeball had the unspoken rule that if you got hurt, you go whimper in the corner and tell no one. Enlightening teachers to the torture meant eviction from future games.

    I gotta tell ya, those were the days.

    What the hell happened though? There's no more fun physical pain! And "fun" is the key. Back when we were kids, we loved getting hurt and hurting other people. Now that we're all "grown up", we've lost a certain threshold of our lives for something we've been told is maturity.

    I don't know how the hell that happened, but I know that if my work had a dodgeball game where all bets were off every Friday, and physical pain would be laughed off when the game was done, I'd be a lot less stressed.

    No, instead, I've got to go home and beat my wife, and then get penalized for doing so! What the hell is THAT all about? I know some people who'll defend battered women who stay with their husbands. These people will say they're weak, have ten kids, can't support themselves or are in a situation they can't get out of.

    That's just plain old bullshit. They're one of the few people in this world that still grasp onto elementary dodgeball...

    ... and the immense, satisfying joy it brought them.
  • HOPEFUL MONSTERS............

    26. Jan. 2009, 8:13

    "HOPEFUL MONSTERS (1940). Coined by Richard Goldschmidt (1878-1958), a German-born geneticist who emigrated to the US, this is a reference to Goldschmidt's theory that sudden jumps in evolution are necessary to explain speciation.

    Goldschmidt believed that chromosomal mutations accumulate in populations until some threshold is breached, propelling the species across 'an unbridgeable gap' to a new species. While he expected that most mutants (called 'monsters') would fail to survive, under certain conditions mutants could be more successful than competing individuals. Such successful mutants leading to a new species were called 'hopeful monsters'. Modern geneticists reject this theory."

    Although nothing really new, the way in which the theory is expressed interests me. Almost every mutation could easily be described under Goldschmidt's watchful eye - Toomes from the first season X-FILES, the Davis baby from the IT'S ALIVE trilogy, or that freaking woman who pops out her eyeballs on national TV.

    Perhaps those mutations suggest cramped living space, primal evolution to combat aliens (i can't believe i just said that), or increased eyesight to become aware of a new entry into the food chain above us.

    And although Goldschmidt believed that the chromosomes were merely dormant, waiting to "awaken" (reference: AKIRA), perhaps "some threshold" could apply to cloning or gene splicing.

    That damn spider goat is *definitely* a hopeful monster. For those uninformed, scientists spliced a goat and a spider so that the goat could produce thread. Called "biosteel", the thread is reported to be twelve times stronger than normal steel and super flexible. Said scientists hope to breed the damn things and use biosteel for military purposes.

    And that scares me. Goldschmidt asserts that most mutations would fail to survive. But with scientists making sure that these "hopeful" monsters will continue to procreate, we can only patiently wait for the era of Von Frankenstein. And I won't even touch the genome and DNA advancements that have been heralding the biology and genetics scene.

    The fun thing is that I'm excited about all of this. How correct the early mapmakers were when they signed "here there be dragons"...
  • Baby T's? Yes, Please!

    26. Sep. 2008, 16:16

    Man, do I love it when chicks wear baby T's. I'm not talking about hot chicks who might actually have a chance of looking good in such skimpy clothing; no, I'm talking about walking leviathans with enough rolls to start a goddam bakery in their love handles alone. You know what I love even more than seeing a fat chick in a baby T? A fat TWELVE-YEAR-OLD chick in a baby T! With the word "Slut" written in rhinestones across her fat chest! At least, I assume it says "Slut", because the shirt has been stretched out so much that many of the rhinestones have flown off with enough velocity to punch holes in the wall while the remaining ones have been condensed into a meaningless line. Who knows? Maybe it says "Trouble"! Maybe it says "You're jealous"! It's a mystery.
    In all seriousness, the real mystery lies in the motive of such a fucking manatee to wear something so skimpy. I'm not against skimpy clothing and I'm not against fat people. Well, I am against fat people. But skimpy clothing is cool. I am for everyone trying to look their best. As a result, I am completely against lardasses in low-rise jeans and baby T's or halter tops. What the hell are you trying to prove? That you've got enough excess flesh to create an entirely new person? That your daily planner has "Krispy Kreme" written in it six times? That every time you've ever said "I'll get to the bottom of this," you've been holding a can of Crisco?*
    Fuck fat people trying to pretend like they're beautiful. It's disgusting. I know girls who are a bit heavy who are perfectly attractive, and they don't pull it off by dressing in clothes that look like they've been purchased at Baby Gap. If you're going to wear a shirt that says "Half Angel, Half Devil" on the front, then why don't you just condense the two words and write "ANVIL" in huge letters across your chest? Then go shoot yourself.
    But not before you bring me a drink.

    * That just made me think of a new "Eating Disorder vs. Eating Problem" joke:
    Eating Problem: Every time you've said "I'll get to the bottom of this," you've been holding a can of Crisco
    Eating Disorder: Every time you've said "I'll get to the bottom of this," you've been standing on a scale.
  • Fuck Gun Control

    26. Sep. 2008, 16:16

    During the years I've spent on this Earth, which can be largely characterized by the phrase "spontaneous mediocrity", one axiom has made itself perfectly clear time and time again. I'm referring, of course, to that famous old saying from days of yore (which I just made up): "Guns are like remote controls. They're very entertaining to use when you're bored, but you can never find one when you really need it."
    Now, I know a lot of you bleeding heart whiney tree-hugging hippy bastards might have some objections to this. "But we don't like guns" you say. "Guns are loud and scary and they kill people." Sure, maybe guns kill a few people here and there. Maybe a few bad apples use them to coerce women into having sex with them or to get rid of that pesky neighbor across the street or to let their wives know that they are not fucking around and they are sick and goddam tired of coming home from a hard day's work to find that their food is not prepared and the baby needs changing and the dog shat on the floor and GODDAMMIT MURIEL I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!
    However, even the most jaded hippy must admit to him or herself that even they have felt deep-seated gun lust from time to time. C'mon, admit it. You know that you've wanted a gun. You probably even wanted one today. When you were in line at the supermarket and that smelly old lady ahead of you couldn't figure out how to swipe her debit card through the machine, you felt the hatred begin to rise. When she had to call the cashier over to help her, it kept growing. When she realized that she didn't have enough cash in her checking account to cover the half gallon of milk and thirty cans of cat food she was buying and instead started to count out exact change from her little floral-print coin purse, you felt the Gun Lust take over. By the time she realized that she didn't have enough cash on her to cover all of her cans of cat food and began debating out loud over which ones to keep and which ones to send back, you were praying to all the gods you've ever heard or read about that somehow a Glock would magically appear in you hand so you could utter some clever catch phrase like "DIE, BITCH!" and put a hole in her head large enough to house a sizable family of opossums.
    But you didn't have a gun, did you? What did you have to do instead? That's right, you had to sit there and smile with your thumb up your ass while acting like this was the greatest thing in the world.
    Gun control is stupid. Guns don't kill people; white guys with small penes and gender issues kill people. If we could all just agree that everyone should be given a gun at, say, eighth grade graduation, then the world would be a much better place; not only would eighth grade graduation actually mean something now, but all the kids in the world would be able to protect themselves from muggers, the boogeyman, and Michael Jackson. Imagine how the Columbine shootings would have gone differently if all of those kids and teachers had guns; those Trench Coat Mafia losers wouldn't have been worth a fart in a high wind. Or imagine if the St. Louis Cardinals had guns during the World Series with the Bosox. Trust me, the world would be a much better place if everyone were armed.
    Traffic would be a lot less of a headache. If everyone had a gun, then no one would have to sit behind some stupid bitch in a Kia Sportage at an intersection and watch her talk on her cell phone about how this cute guy almost spilled coffee on her at work. That's right bitch, you take too long to get going once the traffic light turns green, BAM! Instant brain hood ornament.
    Crime would go down. Robberies wouldn't occur. People wouldn't break into other peoples' houses. Banks would be safer than they are now. People would be able to walk the streets at night without any fear. Batman, Spiderman, Thor and the Punisher would all be rendered obsolete.
    The answer is not to limit ownership of guns. The answer is to encourage ownership of guns. Even if guns are outlawed, there will always be people who carry them (and by this I mean black people)*. Instead of making it so only criminals can get guns, we should make it possible for everyone to have a gun.



    *I can say that. I know a black guy. And since he doesn't have a gun, there are no negative consequences for my racist statement. See how gun distribution can make the world a better place?
  • Take Some Fucking Responsibility

    26. Sep. 2008, 16:15

    I fucking hate people. I hate everyone on TV except Tony Jaa and Jackie Chan, because they kick ass. I especially hate fat people. By and large, I'm ok with black people, except when they walk around talking on a cell phone at an inappropriate time such as during a movie, wedding, or funeral.....then I just hate white people for selling them cell phones. I hate white people for trying to imitate black people, and I by and large hate CHUDs because they're always trying to get up to the surface dwellers and eat them. And don't even get me started on Hobbits.
    A lot of people have asked me why I'm so angry all the time. I haven't really been able to put my finger on it, and all of a sudden it's just hit me: it's because we live in a society of people who can't take responsibility for their own lives.
    I credit this dubiously important moment of self-discovery to the movie Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, which provides us with a perfect example of how Americans by and large cannot take responsibility for their own failures. In this movie (which I would rank up there with Cabin Fever, Boondock Saints, I Heart Huckabees, and The Exorcist as one of the movies which has most influenced my life), Borat (played by Jewish genius Sacha Baron Cohen) falls in with a group of middle class white frat boys who state that they wish slavery still existed and that "you [Borat] are better than a woman". After the movie hit theatres, these frat boys, instead of simply taking responsibility for their drunken slurs, did what every white middle class frat boy is trained to do when something goes wrong: they went to their lawyers and filed a frivolous law suit.
    Now, I have said some terrible things when I was drunk. I have made all sorts of racial slurs, homophobic comments, sexist quips, and downright insulting declarations to pretty much any and every ethnic, economic, and sexually oriented group of people you can think of (with the possible exception of Icelanders....although I think I may have screamed "VIKINGS?! More like DYKE-KINGS!!" into a gutter once or twice). But in all my years (five) of drunken debauchery and downright foot-in-mouth -isms, I have never, ever, ever, said these things....with a camera in my face. Why, do you ask? One simple reason:
    Because no one cares enough to stick a camera in my face.
    If they did, that shit would rank right up there with Rosie O'Donnell's "ching chong Danny DeVito" remarks. I would definitely make a complete ass of myself to whomever was unfortunate enough to watch a video of my drunken slander. But - and this is where I differ from the fuckbags in Borat - I would own up to it.
    Whereas I would have the common sense to acknowledge that I made a fuckwit of myself to everyone in America, these douchebags took it to court and played the "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" card. By using this defense, commonly known as the "Slutty Sorority Girl Who Wakes Up In Bed Pregnant With Some Stranger And Wants To Seem Like Not Such A Slut By Claiming Rape And Ruining Someone Else's Life*" defense (or SSGWWUIBPWSSAWTSLNSASBCRARSEL for short), these frat guys have clearly stated that they are in no way responsible for their actions when drunk.
    Let's think about this: if no one is responsible for their actions when drunk, then we should start abolishing civil and criminal suits against DUI offenders. We should dissolve every fraternity in which alcohol has been present during the initiation of its members (read: all of them). And we should probably give back a lot of that land that was sold to white settlers in exchange for fire water and beads.
    If no one is responsible for their actions when they're drunk, does this mean that they lose their soul at a certain BAC? Does some entity take control of your body and make you do, say, sleep with, and eat disgusting things? From my experience, yes. That's exactly what happens. But let's take it back a step: did anyone FORCE you to drink that much? Did anyone physically hold you down and pour liquor down your throat? It takes a certain amount of willpower to say "you know what, fuck having a functioning liver, I'm going to drink until my central nervous system shuts down!" And that is why only 21 year olds are allowed to drink. Because once you're 21, you magically gain the sense of restraint that's been lacking for the past twenty years and will be able to drink in moderation at socially decorous times and only when the situation calls for it without falling prey to alcoholism or incontinence.

    And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell your stupid ass. Now bring me a drink, slave.


    *Please do not think that I am mocking the victims of date rape drugs with this statement. Date rape drugs are a terrible thing, and I am strongly against them. I mean, c'mon, holding the bitch down is half the fun**.



    ** That's a joke.
  • Fuck Public Smoking Bans

    26. Sep. 2008, 16:13

    What the fuck?
    I can understand not wanting people to smoke in hospitals and day cares. After all, you don't want freeloading sick people and infants catching a cheap buzz off of cigarettes that YOU paid for. But why the hell would anyone want to ban smoking in, say, a bar? Or a tobacco shop? Or even a grocery store?
    Cigarettes are a way of life for many people. The appeal of restaurants like Steak 'n' Shake is that they HAVE a smoking section. Think about it - why the hell else would high school goth kids go to an establishment that sells shitty food and shittier coffee at three in the morning unless they were allowed to smoke? Why the hell would anyone go to a bar and pay $4 for a shitty cocktail (main ingredient: ice) unless they were allowed to smoke?
    As an American and a lover of freedom, I am thoroughly against this proposed ban. However, if such a bill must go through, I suggest that we modify it. It won't be a huge modification - in fact, I suggest that we only change one word. Instead of banning public smoking, I propose that we ban public ugliness. Think about how much greater this would make life for people.
    Now when you go out to a bar, you don't have to worry about taking home some behemoth and waking up with your arm pinned underneath eighty pounds of right breast and half a bag of Doritos sitting on your chest. Instead, if you do take home a girl, she'll be attractive, because the very idea of an ugly person being in a public facility has been completely outlawed. And SHE'S got nothing to worry about, because hey, you're attractive too! Everybody wins!
    This public ugliness ban will also motivate some of our country's more portly denizens to get their asses in shape. Everyone's always bemoaning the plight of America's obese public, so why not do something about it? Instead of saying that "obesity is a disease" or suing corporations like McDonald's for vending allegedly addictive products, let's just outlaw it altogether. Here's how the system would work:
    In the beginning, everyone would be required to submit to a state-funded Attractiveness Screening. The panel would consist of myself, and any cool people I happened to meet on the way. No girls would be allowed on this panel in order to eradicate the X-factor of feminine sympathy ( we don't want any pussy bleeding hearts to be sitting there going "Oh, it's ok, you're a complete whale but it's not your fault." That's the problem with America in the first place.) Male attractiveness would be assessed by a few gay guys I know; the reason for this is that gay guys are really brutal when it comes to male attractiveness and thus would be far more effective judges than girls. Everyone would receive a rating on the Beer Scale of attractiveness - they would be assigned a number by each judge which corresponds with the number of beers the judge believes would be necessary in order to sleep with the person under evaluation. Anyone receiving a rating over 10 would be placed under house arrest for six months, after which they would be allowed to receive a second rating. If the number has not gone down, they receive another six-month house arrest sentence. If by their third appeal they are unable to receive a score of less than ten, they would receive a bullet in the head.
    I know, I know, shame on me for suggesting that. We shouldn't waste bullets on ugly people. Instead of a bullet, maybe we could simply push them out a window. No, that won't do.....there'd be a huge mess to clean up. Hmmm...well, the particulars aren't worked out yet, but the point is, ugly people would be exterminated.
    Any person receiving a score between 6 and 10 would be allowed to walk about during the day, but would have to acknowledge a strict nine o'clock curfew. They would not be allowed in bars, and any appearances they made during the day would only be allowed under the stipulation that they wear a paper bag over their head with the words "I'm Ugly" printed in large Magic Marker and a large siren on their chest that constantly blared the words "Look away! Look away!"
    The public might not accept this at first, but they would after everyone submitted to a mandatory propaganda film session. This film session would include several movies, such as an edited version of My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the lead actress does NOT find true happiness but instead is smothered as an infant by her parents because she's so damn ugly and an edited version of Raiders of the Lost Ark where the Nazis all have their skin eaten away and die horrible deaths not for looking inside the Ark of the Covenant, but for looking inside one of the aforementioned "I'm Ugly" paper bags. These movies would be viewed Clockwork Orange style to prevent anyone from not viewing them.
    I know, I know. It seems harsh. But such is the way of progress. Stalin understood this, and so did the God of the Old Testament. You can't have a better society without stepping on a few toes and committing some genocide.
    Besides, think about all the problems this would solve:
    1) Public drunkenness would go down - How many times have you been at a bar or a frat party where the only person hitting on you was a total slug? How many times did you think to yourself, Man, I'm kinda horny and the only person hitting on me appears to be one of George Lucas' Star Wars aliens...better drink more so I can justify sleeping with them? We've all been there. We all know that sometimes you make a poor decision and drink an entire bottle of tequila just so you can "getcha some" from the fat bitch with the lazy eye. With a public ugliness ban, this would no longer be an issue, and you could fuck girls without drinking because, hey, they're all attractive! Think of the money you would save on booze alone!
    2) Self-esteem would go up - This seems completely counterintuitive, but that's only because you're an idiot. We all know hot girls who have self esteem problems. With the mandatory Beer Scale in effect, hot girls would no longer feel the need to throw up everything they eat and work out for ten hours a day. Instead, they can walk around, smiling and holding their paper-bag-free head high, confident that they live in this brave new world that has such attractive people in it.
    What about the uggos who don't score high enough to merit such an esteem boost? Fuck them. Who cares about their esteem? Seriously. I don't think there's ever been a situation in my life that an ugly person has made better. In fact, ugly people and fat people EXACERBATE every bad situation I've ever been in. Take, for example, the Self Check-Out lines at any grocery store. It's bad enough when you have to wait in line for ten minutes because some fucktard can't figure out that her debit card has to have its stripe facing outwards (information easily gleaned from the screen of the card reader, the hand-printed note taped to the card reader, and the giant flashing sign that says "FACE STRIPE OUTWARDS, DIPSHIT"). No, it's not bad enough that I have to waste MY time in a grocery store because of someone else's incompetence. I have to look at this person with the frontal lobe impairment and deal with the fact that they're UGLY! Goddammit, if you're going to be an idiot, at least be a hot girl with sorority letters on so I can offer to help you. But do hot sorority girls ever fuck up at the grocery store? NO! Because they're hot, and that makes them better than ugly people.
    Sorry, I got off on kind of a rant there. I don't think I will ever be able to express through writing how pissed off ugly people make me. Every time I'm in a bad mood, it becomes that much worse if there's an ugly person in the room. Ugly people are just catalysts for bad feelings, and we should ban them. Which brings me to my next point:
    3) Public eating experiences would become exponentially more enjoyable - How many times have you sat down in a restaurant, looked at the people next to you, and realized that you've lost your appetite? How many times have you cut your meal short just to avoid the unpleasant experience of looking at your unseemly waitress? Wouldn't it be better if you could just eat in peace? Wouldn't it be better if you could ask for your check AFTER you ate your food instead of having to request (with eyes averted into the menu) that your ticket out of Ugly Town be brought as soon as possible? Public ugliness bans are the wave of the future, my friends.
    Public smoking bans are not the answer. Public ugliness bans are. Fuck ugly people.

    If you're ugly, bring me a drink. Actually, bring me many drinks, because I'm kind of horny and you're the only one around.