Freitag, 26. Sep 2008, 12:15

I fucking hate people. I hate everyone on TV except Tony Jaa and Jackie Chan, because they kick ass. I especially hate fat people. By and large, I'm ok with black people, except when they walk around talking on a cell phone at an inappropriate time such as during a movie, wedding, or funeral…..then I just hate white people for selling them cell phones. I hate white people for trying to imitate black people, and I by and large hate CHUDs because they're always trying to get up to the surface dwellers and eat them. And don't even get me started on Hobbits.
A lot of people have asked me why I'm so angry all the time. I haven't really been able to put my finger on it, and all of a sudden it's just hit me: it's because we live in a society of people who can't take responsibility for their own lives.
I credit this dubiously important moment of self-discovery to the movie Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, which provides us with a perfect example of how Americans by and large cannot take responsibility for their own failures. In this movie (which I would rank up there with Cabin Fever, Boondock Saints, I Heart Huckabees, and The Exorcist as one of the movies which has most influenced my life), Borat (played by Jewish genius Sacha Baron Cohen) falls in with a group of middle class white frat boys who state that they wish slavery still existed and that "you are better than a woman". After the movie hit theatres, these frat boys, instead of simply taking responsibility for their drunken slurs, did what every white middle class frat boy is trained to do when something goes wrong: they went to their lawyers and filed a frivolous law suit.
Now, I have said some terrible things when I was drunk. I have made all sorts of racial slurs, homophobic comments, sexist quips, and downright insulting declarations to pretty much any and every ethnic, economic, and sexually oriented group of people you can think of (with the possible exception of Icelanders….although I think I may have screamed "VIKINGS?! More like DYKE-KINGS!!" into a gutter once or twice). But in all my years (five) of drunken debauchery and downright foot-in-mouth -isms, I have never, ever, ever, said these things….with a camera in my face. Why, do you ask? One simple reason:
Because no one cares enough to stick a camera in my face.
If they did, that shit would rank right up there with Rosie O'Donnell's "ching chong Danny DeVito" remarks. I would definitely make a complete ass of myself to whomever was unfortunate enough to watch a video of my drunken slander. But - and this is where I differ from the fuckbags in Borat - I would own up to it.
Whereas I would have the common sense to acknowledge that I made a fuckwit of myself to everyone in America, these douchebags took it to court and played the "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" card. By using this defense, commonly known as the "Slutty Sorority Girl Who Wakes Up In Bed Pregnant With Some Stranger And Wants To Seem Like Not Such A Slut By Claiming Rape And Ruining Someone Else's Life*" defense (or SSGWWUIBPWSSAWTSLNSASBCRARSEL for short), these frat guys have clearly stated that they are in no way responsible for their actions when drunk.
Let's think about this: if no one is responsible for their actions when drunk, then we should start abolishing civil and criminal suits against DUI offenders. We should dissolve every fraternity in which alcohol has been present during the initiation of its members (read: all of them). And we should probably give back a lot of that land that was sold to white settlers in exchange for fire water and beads.
If no one is responsible for their actions when they're drunk, does this mean that they lose their soul at a certain BAC? Does some entity take control of your body and make you do, say, sleep with, and eat disgusting things? From my experience, yes. That's exactly what happens. But let's take it back a step: did anyone FORCE you to drink that much? Did anyone physically hold you down and pour liquor down your throat? It takes a certain amount of willpower to say "you know what, fuck having a functioning liver, I'm going to drink until my central nervous system shuts down!" And that is why only 21 year olds are allowed to drink. Because once you're 21, you magically gain the sense of restraint that's been lacking for the past twenty years and will be able to drink in moderation at socially decorous times and only when the situation calls for it without falling prey to alcoholism or incontinence.

And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell your stupid ass. Now bring me a drink, slave.

*Please do not think that I am mocking the victims of date rape drugs with this statement. Date rape drugs are a terrible thing, and I am strongly against them. I mean, c'mon, holding the bitch down is half the fun**.

** That's a joke.