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I know next to nothing about footy. The most sensible conversation I've had about it this week was when I asked a friend at work whether doctors had considered if Rooney's metatarsal problems could be due to a trapped river fish swimming around in his ankle, and we concluded that perhaps he could be strapped to a table and a kingfisher allowed to peck at his foot, in order to get him fit for the Cup. That was the most sensible.

But everyone else has got something to say about the World Cup, so here we go. On the one hand we have World in Motion, the classic soccer anthem for Italia 1990. And to oppose it - well, New Order embrace rock, pop and dance music so you need to get pretty obscure for contrast. And it has to be German, as that's where the tournament is this time, and all of England's hooligan dreams seem to revolve around thrashing the Kr**ts on their home turf.

So it's Kurt Weill. His music is utterly unique, and something of an obsession of mine. …