Favourite Father Ted Quotes

    • denfitz schrieb...
    • Benutzer
    • 26. Apr. 2008, 16:18

    Favourite Father Ted Quotes

    What is your favourite? here is a selection

    Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
    Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!


    Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

    Ted: Hello, is that the Yin dynasty? Family, sorry, the Yin family.

    Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

    Ted: They've taken the roads in.

    Bishop Brennan: He DID kick me up the arse!

    Father Fitzpatrick: You left the cyanide capsules next to the Valium, you old fool. That's just asking for trouble!

    Jack: (judging a Wet T-shirt competition) More Water!



    Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?

    Father Clippit says a good long mass. Four hours he does. Since his stroke.

    No. We're up in space doing important work for NASA.

    Eoin McLove: You leave me alone. I could have you killed.

    Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there

    Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.

    Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
    Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
    Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
    Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
    Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

    I'm hungry. Where's the jam?

    Dougal: The ants are back Ted!

    You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that. Because it's shite.

    Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch menopause!

    Ted: (to Richard Wilson) I don't beleeeeeeeeeve it!

    Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.
    Dougal: To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going to tell you... your fly's open.

    Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

    Ted: The Chinese. A great bunch of lads!

    Jack: I'm sooooo, sooooo, soooo sorry!
    Ted: Now that's sarcasm.

    Dougal: Hello there Len.
    Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
    Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.

    Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
    Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
    Dougal: Oh right.

    Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
    Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
    Dougal: What?


    Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
    Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
    Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
    Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!

    Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
    Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
    Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
    Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
    Ted: Do you?
    Dougal: No.

    Dougal: Those women were in the nip! (WAV)

    Jack: I love my brick! (WAV)

    Mrs Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

    Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
    Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't. (WAV)

    Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.

    Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?

    Ted: Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.

    Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
    Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
    Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

    Mary: (to John) You've a face like a pair o' tits!
    John: At least that's one pair between us!

    Mrs Doyle: I'm so excited. Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't wait.

    Dougal: How did the sergeant catch Father Jack at all?
    Ted: Well, Dougal. He's an elderly priest driving a Flymo at 2 miles per hour around the island. How hard could it be?

    Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
    Dougal: A shower of bastards.

    Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
    Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!

    Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
    Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
    Dougal: Where?

    Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?

    Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
    ...More drink!

    Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.

    Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of Virginia Woolf.
    Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?

    Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It's the one thing I didn't expect.

    Ted: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
    Dougal: Yes.
    Ted: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

    Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.

    Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

    Dougal: What's going on?
    Priest: I think Ted has a plan
    Dougal: No. I mean in general.

    And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.

    How did that gobshite get on the television?


    Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
    Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....

    You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile on your face. Ye daerty fecker. (WAV)

    Wait a second. You're Elvis as well!

    It's nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.

    So then. You're a nun?

    Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!

    Are those my feet?

    Father Brendan: God Ben I'm such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !

    Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
    Ted: Hallowed.
    Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
    Ted: Thy Name...
    Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
    Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
    Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
    Ted: Yes, that was a good one!

    Jack: I'm a happy camper!

    Ted: Two hundred pounds? I'm not trying to buy cocaine!

    John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
    Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
    John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
    Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
    Mary: You and Father Ted?
    Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
    John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
    Dougal: Retired from what?
    John: From the police.
    Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
    John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
    Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
    John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
    Dougal: Great, bye now.

    Jack: Where are the other two?

    Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy! (WAV)

    Ted: So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
    Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
    Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
    Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.

    "Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats."

    "I won't be happy until the last rabbit round here is the one inside your head, working the controls!"

    Ted: Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
    Dougal: Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

    Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!

    Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!

    Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
    Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

    Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture.

    Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
    Ted: That's a spoon, Father

    Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.

    Dougal: Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

    Dougal: Do you believe in God, then Ted?

    Dougal: I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
    Ted: I think that process has already begun.

    Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
    Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
    Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.

    Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he grew a beard!
    Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
    Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.

    Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
    Ted: Dougal, they're bishops!
    Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.

    Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
    Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
    Ted: ...It won't, no.

    Ted: What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!

    Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse! (WAV)

    Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...

    Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
    Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
    Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

    Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
    Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
    Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
    (Dougal nods)
    Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something?
    Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
    (Dougal looks very shifty)

    Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
    Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
    Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
    Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted's crotch) You're right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...

    Old priest: I really shouldn't be here.

    Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.

    Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!

    Mrs Doyle: Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
    Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
    Mrs Doyle: Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in the kitchen.
    The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
    Mrs Doyle: I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I broke the side window as I was snapping them off.
    Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
    Mrs Doyle: Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol or diesel?
    Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
    Mrs Doyle: (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it petrol or...?
    Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
    Mrs Doyle: Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to put petrol in it?
    Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine.
    Mrs Doyle: Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face)

  • Wow, you didnt really give anyone else a chance to add to this, did u?

    • denfitz schrieb...
    • Benutzer
    • 26. Apr. 2008, 16:51

  • I'm just - just carrying the milk around.

  • D: How's the son?

    T: The SON OF GOD of COURSE!

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